Dublin, Ohio. Our boys are sleeping peacefully on the hotel room bed after two days of stress. The day before we spent getting ready to leave, which included buying about a million pounds of dry ice to ship with gallons of frozen, home-made baby formula (the goat milk version). Then, all day yesterday flying with the poor dears. Who are, with exquisite timing, sick with slight fevers. Oy.
We flew to Ohio to visit their birth family. You see, our twin boys are adopted in an open adoption. It’s an extension of our traditional Thanksgiving trek to St. Louis, where my family congregates at my sister’s family home for the big turkey-fest.
Open adoptions are complicated relationships. At least this one is. At heart, there’s the uncomplicated fact that there are people who love these boys.
And if that’s so uncomplicated, tell me this: what is the etiquette when the adoptive parents and the birth parents are all in the room together with the boys? What’s appropriate? What isn’t? Have you ever been in that situation? I have… all of maybe a dozen times or so, all in the last year. And I’ve never watched anyone else do it.
Compare that to the billyons of times I’ve watched my parents, grandparents, friends’ parents and whoever else go through the dance of being family together. I’ve got a wide variety of role models to draw on.
This one, not so much. We’re flying by the seat of our pants, with some counseling support and a lot of prayer.
What Role Models Give Us
Choice. Human beings are really, really lousy at being innovative. It’s hard for us to think, it’s hard for us to create. Cognitively, thinking creatively and coming up with new solutions is one of the hardest jobs we do.
However, we’re really good at comparing, contrasting and choosing. When you see examples, you can choose between them. Even using my heart, multiple choice tests on what action to take are so much easier than cooking it up from scratch. If I have several choices in front of me, I can take a few moments to lean my heart into each and sense which one opens for me.
Without the choices to play with, it gets a lot messier, takes more time, and there’s more experimentation.
Luckily, Mess is Okay
With Sam and David’s birth parents, we’ve gotten through several messy situations okay, so I’m beginning to trust that mess is just okay. But, it still works my nerves like all git-out. The week leading up to this trip my productivity slowed to the pace of a tentative baby’s crawl as most of my available heart and brain space was processing the potential upcoming mess. Worst of all, the processing was unconcious, so it took a few days to figure out why I was so whacked out.
Bummer.
But, here we are, and so far, so good.
Now, About That Business of Yours
Unless you were raised in an entrepreneurial home, you might not have had any self-employed role-models growing up. But, you’ve probably acquired at least one by now. Conscious or unconscious, you may find yourself comparing your actions and choices to someone else. The trick is to pick people you actually like and admire, rather than just folks who happen to be making more money, or acquiring more clients, or getting more visibility than you. Robert, for instance, is one of mine.
And not just one, but several. Preferably folks that do things a little differently from one another. So, given any particular situation, you have a few different options to lean your heart into and see which one you can learn from. Having a few different role models helps to insure against becoming a Mini-Me.
Here are some of the people I’m currently in love with, watching, learning from, wondering about, helping to find some freedom/openness in my own actions.
Robert, Naomi, Jonathan, Chip, Pam, Sean, Michael, Molly, Jennifer, Eric, Dan and some others for sure, like the Prophet Muhammad, Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King, Jr, and my spiritual teacher, Sidi al Jamal.
Growing into my own role as an adoptive parent, I’m realizing how fortunate I am to have so many folks to choose from in the world of business.
How do you pick role models? Who can you recommend and what in particular can you learn from them?
Do you know about Dawn Friedman at This Woman’s Work? She’s done a LOT of blogging about open adoption, the good and the difficult, and she’s a fabulous role model in this arena.
Have a good trip!
.-= Julie´s last blog ..How do you know if you
Hi Mark,
You are in Dublin, Ohio? I lived in Columbus for 10 years. I consider it my American hometown. I think I know exactly where you are — that little loop where several mid to high end hotels are gathered…
And I love today’s post. If you want to be an entrepreneur, be with entrepreneurs. If you don’t know any of them because you are an employee and all your friends are some kind of employees, seek them out.
This is one of the main points I maintain in my new eBook.
In my opinion, they don’t even have to be in the same industry. We want to learn the way they think and act as entrepreneurs, not necessarily get direct advice about business. (While good advice is surely welcome)
Enjoy your holidays. Set up a new role model as adoptive parents.
Akemi
.-= Akemi – Yes to Me´s last blog ..My eBook On Spiritual Entrepreneurship =-.
I used to have a 5-part list of all the people I wanted to model in different areas of my life. One part was people who I found to be “social geniuses”, another was the “kings of kindness”, another would be “hard workers,” “spiritual gurus,” and lastly “creativity freaks.”
I learned how to model through the NLP books I read by Richard Bandler and John Grinder. Once you can model others, then there really isn’t much that can stop you from your goals (as long as you stay dedicated to the path).
Great post!
.-= The Emotion Machine´s last blog ..Five Reasons Why Having A Blog Makes You More Productive =-.
The Hot Mommas Project has a fabulous online class to help adult women find and keep adult mentors. I took it last year and it revolutionized the way I approach the people I view as my role models.
Hey Mark
You’re so right about role models. Until I read this I hadn’t realised that that’s what I’ve been doing the past few months – having given myself permission to stop being strategic in my blog reading, I’ve discovered some people I truly admire.
My role models before made me feel a bit inadequate, like my values got in the way.
With role models who match my values *and* seem to be running successful businesses, I’m beginning to exhale.
And thanks for the list of our role models – they’re open in tabs in Firefox right now!
.-= Andrew Lightheart @alightheart´s last blog ..Shut Up and Listen =-.
I pick people that want to interact with me. I don’t want someone that thinks of me as just a spectator. That means I like them to ask me for help as well. I may not know as much as them about running a business, but I can be a great sounding wall when need be.
@Julie- No, I haven’t. Thank you for that resource- I just subscribed to her blog. You rock.
@Akemi- Yup, staying right off Sawmill. Columbus definitely isn’t home, but we’ve gotten to know it in little ways when we come here.
And you’re right, they don’t have to be in the same industry at all. In fact, I’ve found that sometimes it’s more helpful if they aren’t, because then it’s easier to sort out the principles from the content.
@The Emotion Machine- NLP modeling- that’s actually something I know nothing about. Intriguing. Thanks for that.
@Kelly- Hot Mommas! sounds fantastic. I love the different mentoring organizations that have sprung up.
@Andrew- Woo-hoo! See, it was instinctual for you, and there you are. I hope some of my favoriate people serve you well.
@Karl- I hear you- who wants to be shunned? Sometimes I pick people who want to interact with me. But, I’m also willing to watch some folks from afar, if they are dead
, or if I haven’t made it into their inner circle. Some folks I just don’t (yet) have access to, and yet I can still learn from them.
Bright Holiday Blessings to you and your whole extremely-extended family!
… and thank you for sharing the road to a new role model with the world.
Karen J,
Thanks, Karen! We’re all in this together- and I love getting that support from you.
Happy Thanksgiving, Mark! Blessings to all of those who love your wonderful boys! Our closest friends also adopted their daughter through open adoption.
My comment, with all due respect: Perhaps it would be easier for everyone if the boys and you spent time alone with the birth family.
Best wishes,
Kris Aziza
Hi Krista Aziza- Thank you for your respect.
It’s an amazing journey.
I’m not clear what you’re referring to. We did spend time just with the birth family. If it wasn’t clear, there are two trips involved- one to Ohio, for the birth family, and then afterwards one to St. Louis (where I’m writing from now) with my sister’s family and others of the Silver clan who come here for Turkey day.
Although there was one event where my parents passed through Ohio on the way to St. Louis and we spent time all together on evening- birth parents, birth parents parents, the twins, their half siblings, us, and my parents. It was quite a collection.
Role models are:
You (Mark) for the way you demonstrate business savvy from a very spiritual, heart-centered space.
And your willingness to be vulnerable!
Holly (Mark’s wife & HOB partner) for the amazing love she bring and her total lack of pretense.
Kate (of HOB) for her extraordinary graciousness and ability to disagree without being disagreeable.
Jim Brosseau & Linda Resca, my two very patient spiritual teachers
The late, Thomas J. Leonard, founder of CoachU & Coachville who was my instructor and whose presence I still miss almost daily.
I’m sure I’m missing a few people so please forgive me for not being more gracious.
Peace,
Judy
.-= Judy Murdoch
I’m honored, Judy- and I’m so glad you’re on the team here. We’re doing some good stuff together- and looking forward to a lot more. I’m looking forward to learning more from you over this next year, especially from the Thomas Leonard side of things, of whom I know almost nothing…
Hey Mark, nice to meet you! I found you on a google alert for my name.
I’m in Columbus, too, Worthington area. We are in your neck of the woods a lot. I just subscribed to your blog, too.
.-= Dawn
Hi Dawn- nice to meet you, and thanks for subscribing! We were just visiting Columbus, in case that wasn’t clear. We actually live in Portland, Oregon- but we have family in Columbus, so we’ll be getting back there from time to time.
Well, there you go! My son was born in PDX and we have lots of family there (and some in Eugene). Did you use Open Adoption & Family Services? They are good people.
.-= Dawn
Hi Mark,
What a powerful post. I’m always glad that you share some of the details of your personal (i.e. non-business) life with us. It is so helpful, because of course we all have non-business lives that impinge on our businesses too.
I wonder if you’ve seen Because I Loved You by Pat Dischler? Pat was the birthmother in one of the first open adoptions in the country. Her book is part memoir, part open letter to birthmothers and adoptive parents. It’s heartfelt, and the story is incredibly moving. I don’t know if it would exactly provide a role model, but it is at least another story of people doing what you are doing. You can take a look at http://www.patriciadischler.com.
(full disclosure: I helped Pat develop the manuscript, which she self-published.)
Several of my friends have become parents through open adoption, and it’s been both challenging and rewarding for them. And clearly, clearly, the best thing for their kids. It’s a really brave choice. My heart is with you, Holly, and your boys.
Hi Beth- thank you so much for that resource. I hadn’t heard of her, and I just ordered the book you recommended. I’d love to read her story.
It’s such an amazing path, and thank you for your support- we’re blessed with an incredibly supportive family and community. And it’s still not always that easy.
very powerful post and nice to read something thats not about business for a change…….. My blessings go to you, Holly, and the boys.