Awhile back I had a client who was relaunching for the first time after taking a couple of years to recover from a high-octane coaching program he had participated in. One of the biggest parts of a well-done launch is asking others to help promote it.
Unfortunately, for many of us the ickyest (is that a word?) part is just this: asking other people to help promote. It’s easy to feel strange, awkward or ashamed and shy away from asking others to help promote you. It’s true, I’ve been shy about it myself.
Yet it works. So let’s get you asking for help without feeling icky.
Facing the Ick Factor
Before we get to the key points of asking, let’s face squarely the Ick Factor. For heart-centered people, many of whom are excellent care-givers and helper-types, it’s really hard to allow ourselves to be helped. It gets even worse when we actually need to ask for the help.
Will people laugh or sneer at you? Will they get offended? Will they just say “no?” Will they decide you’re not worthy?
Ugh! Such a tender thing to ask for help.
I want you to notice something, though. When someone asks you for help, someone you like and respect, what happens for you? I’m guessing that your heart opens in generosity and you want to help. Even if you have to say no, there’s no judgment, just the recognition that you can’t help this time.
People want to help. Marshall Rosenburg, author of Nonviolent Communication, says that we all just want to make life more beautiful for each other. The Sufi teachings state that the heart is happiest when we’re in service. Helping comes naturally to us.
When you *don’t* ask for help, you are unconsciously taking on a role of superiority, where others have needs, but you don’t. Asking for help requires us to be humble, to receive as much as we give, to be in an equal relationship with the people around us.
Let that sink in. It’s important to ask for help!
Three Factors of Asking For Help
Here are three factors that not only make it easier to ask for help, but also make it much easier for others to help you.
1. Be vulnerable in your asking.
The curse of professionalism says that we have to keep a hard, shiny veneer of “I’ve got it all together” when we go out into the world. What if, instead, you could admit how vulnerable it is for you to ask?
“I’m feeling really tender about making this offer out in the world, and yet it’s also something I’m passionate about. I have a hard time asking for help, and yet I need help getting this in front of people who need it. You are someone I trust and respect, and if it’s possible, I’d love to have your help with this.”
Notice how easy that feels to your heart? What would be your version of a vulnerable request?
2. Give plenty of lead time.
In the rush of keeping things going, I know it’s hard to plan ahead. Yet, if you can give at least a one month lead time, or even three to six months, it raises the chances considerably of someone being able to actually fit you into their schedule.
Think ahead: what might you want to promote two or three months from now? Start the work on reaching out to people now, even if you don’t have all the pieces together. You can always get them the details as the time approaches.
3. Be clear as to what you’re asking.
In any kind of relationship, whether in love or business (and hopefully there’s love in business relationships!), things go awry quickly when we expect others to be mind readers.
“Can you help?” is easier to ask than, “Can you help by sending an announcement to your email list between April 10 and 24?” because it may feel like you are imposing yourself on someone else.
It’s just the opposite, though. Vague requests receive vague responses that may not be followed through on, not from lack of good will, but simply because there’s no clarity as to how to follow through.
A specific request, however, is much easier to respond to. The person being asked knows exactly what is being asked, and can then give a clear answer.
I’m sure there’s more.
At Heart of Business we try to keep all three of these in mind when we make requests of others to help promote us. It’s also how we suggest our clients get help from others.
Did I miss anything? Are there any other factors you find really helpful in asking others for help? Do you have any inspiring stories to share about facing down the Ick Factor and asking for help in promoting your business?
Add your comment right below.
30 Responses
I find that if I’m asking someone I don’t know *really* well, it helps me to offer them room to say “no” gracefully, so that I don’t worry that they feel I’m backing them into a corner.
Because of this, I’ll often end a request with “If you’re too busy right now, or this isn’t the kind of thing you’re able to do, then I totally respect that. However, if you feel called to support me in xxxx-project, I’d be hugely grateful to have you on board.”
Also, I find it helps me to point out any potential win-win for them to support me (for example, if I’m asking them to do a mailing or a newsletter feature, I might point out the benefits of whatever I’m launching to their audience, with the unstated benefit that this then makes them a good guy in the eyes of their tribe).
Using those two techniques sincerely helped me to create a launch party for my fledgling copywriting business last year that just under 100 people came to (many of whom I hadn’t met before!), with a total prize pool value of ~$3,500. It was INCREDIBLY hard to ask people for help in promoting the launch party, and in donating prizes to give away during it. But wow, it taught me the lesson that sometimes, when you ask for things, you do actually get them!
Blessings
TANJA
Tanja- Yes- room for the graceful no is so important! And the benefits as well. Thanks for sharing your example, and good on you for being vulnerable and doing it! Woo-hoo!
This is very helpful to me as I learn how to promote my mother’s book!
I’m also very interested in the first line: “taking a couple of years to recover from a high-octane coaching program.” Common experience? More about that?
Do Mi- I think it is a common experience. Many high octane coaching programs promise the results that struggling business owners are looking for- money, clients. But they don’t often take the quiet, inward time for the participants to see what really matches their own heart, to build a sustainable business that matches them. I’ve seen quite a few clients who did get the results promised, at the cost of their adrenals, being burnt-out and needing to start from scratch afterward.
Mark, great advice. Both heart centered and practical.
love, d
Love back to you, d! -m
Thanks so much for this article Mark. It’s so timely. I have been feeling so tender to follow up with a honored colleague – what you wrote provided empowerment and more resolve to follow up.
Eliana- so glad to hear that! You are so welcome.
Thanks Mark. Each time I have had the courage to lean out and ask for help, it has been responded to gracefully, even if it isn’t the right time for them and they say no. At which point the challenge is not to take it personally 🙂 – and put in place your recommendation of giving more time so you can get slotted into their diaries more easily. And its true about wanting to help – what goes around comes around, and it works when you trust that.
Jane- it can hard to hear no- and by making the vulnerability visible, the “no” usually is so gentle it’s hard to take personally.
Thanks Mark! Very helpful reminder that folks want to help. Can be really challenging when I ask for help and its not heard or responded too. The advice of being more “clear”on what I need is especially helpful and taking care of myself when feeling rejected when support is not available. Knowing that my not being clear might reason for the lack of response and that there are so many reasons one might not help that have nothing at all to do with me. It’s not personal. And even if it is, there is probally a lesson there and its okay. A tender situation either way.
Mary- it is very tender. One thing the article didn’t cover was that when you find people who *do* say yes, to build those relationships more deeply over time, so you build a network of “yeses” that can strengthen your internal ability to reach out further and risk more no’s.
Two more questions come up:
1) Were you referring to asking for help for the launch date? Or from the time of doing a preview webinar?
2) When referring to help, are you referring to JV with a commission or help without a JV set up?
Eliana-1) Yes 2) Yes. I was referring to the time before you need the help. Whatever date you need the help, give the lead time from then. I often encourage clients to start without the JV set-up, especially if it’s very vulnerable, and if they don’t have reach yet. I’d rather see genuine relationships of mutual support built than one that has the complicated systems and additional energy of JV payments.
Hi Mark, I especially like your tip #1 about being vulnerable in your ask. It is so common to want to appear to have it all together and professional but when you ask for help in this manner you become so human. And we DO want help each other when we know how. Thanks.
Jane- It’s so true!
What a well-timed article! I was reluctant to contact my business network to ask for help promoting a new program. After reading your post, today, I just wrote and sent it. Already I have had responses from people thanking me for thinking of them. Hmmmmmm. Interesting games the mind plays.
Sue- that’s awesome! So glad to hear that! Woo-hoo!
Hey Mark,
Great topic. I quite often get asked to promote others’ work and what’s important is that I have a strong relationship with the asker which is sustained outside of promotion times. Then it feels easy: my friend/colleague/ally is asking me to help with something, sure. If it fits within my own promotion schedule and I believe in the product, it’ll be a happy “yes”.
What doesn’t work is when someone emails me out of the blue, without having sustained an ongoing relationship, asking me to promote something I’ve never heard of and have no connection with. This happened just now – a request from someone who hadn’t emailed me in three years.
The moral of this story: build relationships over time – authentically, because you want to stay in touch with these people – so when it comes to promote, you have strong bonds to lean into.
In peace,
Corrina
Corrina- absolutely yes- it needs to be a real relationship. I will hear out requests from folks I don’t have a relationship with, but they have to show that they know our business. I just had a request for someone wanting to guest blog from us, and it’s clear they weren’t familiar with the kind of topics we publish or who our audience is.
Thank you for this interesting post, I have never found it easy to ask for help, usually preferring to be of service. I have found that with practice things get easier. I like your point about vulnerability and being honest and open that you find this difficult. I would however say that this works about three times, and then you need to own your request, acknowledge you feel you have been lead to ask for what you need and be that vessel. Constantly using the vulnerability line
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Mark, you are right on with this advice. This is one of the biggest sticking points for many in asking for help from others. It shows up in so many ways in life. I believe that when we come from a place of seeing how we can support them (serve) before we try to gain (receive) we always create a win-win that is easier to get across to our potential partners.
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Nice post! And, I’m wondering about a #4, or if you disagree with this: I think an offer of reciprocity is usually a good idea. Now, that may take it out of the realm of “asking for help.” But I find that I am super, duper busy just trying to make my own business work, and if someone asks me for help without any offer to support me and my work, well, unless they are a super friend or client, I’m not likely to respond well. Perhaps this all goes to the relationship, and really thinking through what kind of relationship you have with the person you are asking (from “cold call” to best friend), and how that changes the request. But it is business – not a request to be driven to the hospital. For me, in these situations, an offer of reciprocity makes sense. I’m wondering what you think? Thanks!
I agree with Leslie! I had this just today…If the other person/business is not as inspired to support me as they are asking me to support them – I just don’t think it’s truly a match. That support can come in LOTS of ways, even if delayed, but there needs to be a balanced energetic investment.
Signed, A Recovering Over Giver to people who didn’t reciprocate 😉
Hey Jenny- yup, it can come in a lot of ways! Remember, the article is about asking people to support *you.* Sometimes other people are in a position to help, and are happy to help, without needing the reciprocity to look exactly like what they are giving.
Hi Leslie- it’s a great question, and it really depends on what it looks like. There are times when your content can actually *be* the giving, without it having to be a quid pro quo promoting of the other person. Other times, an exchange of promotions can be how it balances out.
The thing is, if you are approaching someone who is influential- meaning their reach is maybe significantly larger than yours, the exchange isn’t really going to be helpful.
Each relationship will look different, and so I don’t automatically go to reciprocity.
I unfortunately was in a vulnable position of needing help because I broke one leg in 3 places, cut the other foot through the muscles, tissue, nerves and tendon and a few other things. I continued my art, getting everyone to pose for me I encountered in the way of help. This vulnerable position allowed me free poses, people talking about me and my work, helped me tell more people about myself as an artist due to doctor and therapy visits, and brought more people to see my work in my studio. The help had good and bad but I learned to see the gifts only.
I’m so glad that people were there to help, Patrice!