Prompted by our kids who are getting closer and closer to kindergarten, I’ve been reading Empowering Bystanders In Bullying Prevention by Stan Davis and Julie Davis.
One of the central insights from the book that I’m absolutely loving is how it doesn’t help so much to educate either the person who is engaged in bullying behavior or the person who is being bullied. Rather, you want to educate the bystanders.
Even more than that, you don’t want to support the bystanders to confront the bully, but rather to support the one being bullied.
It’s much easier AND more effective, it turns out, to extend friendship and protection to someone who is being hurt than it is to confront someone who is emotionally or physically hurting someone else.
This works because people who bully are not doing it primarily because they are needing to be heard or frustrated in some way, but more that there is an addictive adrenalin rush that comes in exerting power in the world. Taking away the adrenalin rush seems to be more powerful and effective than a therapy-like approach to the person engaging in those aggressive behaviors.
When I was a frosh undergrad at Boston University studying computer science, I spent most of my nights in the basement of the computer science department, living on Jolt Cola and M&Ms. My 18 year old body could evidently handle that okay.
Fast forward 26 years. I’ve recently started eating Lily’s stevia-sweetened chocolate instead of regular chocolate bars. (M&Ms were left in the dust decades ago.) No sugar jolt, but still the taste of delicious chocolate. I love eating the chocolate, but I don’t find myself eating nearly as much… I simply don’t want to. The jolt is gone.
Turning to business, I notice that somewhere, somehow, I’ve really lost much of my taste for last-minute deadlines. When I was a paramedic, I loved the adrenalin rush. When I ran a magazine, the deadline rush was awesome.
There were many late nights and pushes in the early Heart of Business days, too. But lately, not so much.
We recently had an uncharacteristic push, and it was not fun. How did I lose my taste for the adrenalin rush? I’m not entirely sure. Maybe it’s the slow and sure seeping in of all the spiritual practices and healing I’ve done over the years… Nahhhh.
Through the lens of Empowering Bystanders I now see that, in addition to the healing work, it was bringing together a team at Heart of Business that values care and sustainability more than the adrenalin push that has made a bigger impact, truthfully. The spiritual healing enabled me to *want* to bring together a more sustainable team. It’s clear now that it is the team that has disabled the adrenalin jolt, though.
Why? When it’s just me, it’s hard to honor myself that much. But when I see HoB teammates working too hard, and we share the impact of working too hard on our lives and health… not worth it. Thank goodness I now have bystanders who can help take away the jolt.
I’ve written about how productivity is killing us all and for me the interesting question is how do we stop bullying ourselves into such painful so-called “productivity?” Who are the bystanders that will keep you from targeting yourself, or being targeted by the relentless forces of push?
How can you surround yourself with love and care, so that the adrenalin surge is no longer fed by overwork?
Who are your bystanders?
With love and appreciation,
Mark
24 Responses
I would love to hear you thoughts about growing a sustainable team. I finally really internalized the fact that I cannot do it all and I don’t want to but I do want to take my message to a far bigger audience.
Best,
Juliet
Hi Juliet- There’s a lot to it if you’ve never managed a team before. Much of it is self-awareness, but other things, too. Here’s something from way back in 2003 that I wrote- Surrendering to Your Assistant that is a good first step, I think. http://heartofbusiness.com/2003/surrendering-to-your-assistant/
I lost a dear friend recently to “productivity.” He was holding three jobs altogether. His regular work as an engineer, a consultancy and some freelancing to help pay for his kids’ university and other expenses. He was up long hours, smoked to control; hunger and coffee to keep himself awake. He also took time out to pray. He’d shrug off lightly my observations that he wasn’t taking enough time off, maybe smoke fewer cigarettes or a few cups of coffee less every day. Well one evening he had a heart attack, leaving behind a young widow and kids still in school.
Aamer- I’m so sorry to hear that… so painful, so unnecessary. My heart grieves for his family and you, and for our world, where this is commonplace…
WOW! A real eye opener about my love for pushy deadlines! 😀
Rita- It is an eye-opener, isn’t it? For me, too, as I started to realize the cost.
I think *I’m* one of the bystanders. I write a blog on the business of massage. One of my ongoing observations is that there are a lot of voices out there, even in the massage biz, whose message seems to be “you gotta do this! and this! and this! and this! and you gotta do it NOW! you mean you aren’t doing this?? are you nuts? you’ll never survive!!” And I notice how anxious it makes me, how much it over-stimulates me.
One of the things I do over and over again in my blog is remind my readers that there’s only them in their business (usually) and they should only take on what they think they can handle. They should tune in to what works for them and that’s it OK to not “do it all”. In fact, it’s probably smart, when you’re a 1-person company, to not try to do it “all”.
And I’m motivated, really, by helping people not feel bad, not feel like they’re not a “real” business, not feel like they’re doing something wrong. So, hmmmm, maybe I’m one of the bystanders!
My bystanders are those closest to me who see the effects — my husband, my housemate, and my business partner. Thank God for all of them.
Kelly- it’s beautiful to recognize yourself as a bystander! That’s so empowering! We’re all bystanders for each other, eh? We need each other so much.
This could not have come at a better time for me. I’ve stopped being on the computer after 8pm, but last night I was at an event and remembered that I forgot to send an e-mail to a client so when I arrived home at 10:30, I went into my e-mail and sent it. She answered right back. I also saw an e-mail from someone that needed my attention right away so I responded. That person also responded right back. He is not working for himself but works for a larger coaching organization. 4 e-mails back and forth with him and now it’s 11 O’clock and I’m thinking–“when is this guy going to be off for the night?” Is he expected to check e-mail 24 hours a day? That’s horrible. But I also started to think about all the other people I know who work until midnight every night and I had the thought–“is this how it is now?” Should I be checking my e-mail until I go to bed? Am I being lazy?
Thanks so much for this Mark. It really changed my day.
Cathy- It is an insane world we live in. I know I answer emails at odd times, like 5am, but I also take time off during the day, and just have an irregular schedule. I hope and pray your clients find a sustainable balance for themselves! I’m so grateful you’re one of our bystanders in the world!
Thanks for great reflections, Mark! I also read your linked article “productivity is killing us.” I’ve spent most of my life pushing, striving. Raised on the religion of mind over matter, fueled by deep fears that run mostly unconsciously.
Learning to stop ‘bullying’ myself is actually a huge, radical action, and I think it’s pretty hard to do without leaning into the Infinite in some way.
Ultimately, in each moment, it becomes an act of fundamental TRUST. Trust that I will be okay if I listen to my body and honor it when it is tired. Trust that when I listen into my heart and experience and speak and act from there, that the world will be okay with my truth. Trust that I’m not going to become homeless if my new business doesn’t work, and if I don’t get my marketing materials done perfectly.
THANKS SO MUCH for this reminder, Mark. Thanks for offering the support and encouragement to relax that white-knuckled grip I tend to have on the illusory Steering Wheel, and to loosen the belief “I’ve gotta MAKE it happen…. or else!” that I bully myself and others with.
Margit- I’m glad it was so helpful- and I agree with you about leaning into the Infinite… in the form of bystanders around you. I know that if I don’t have people around me to support new habits around work and push, then it becomes another example of my will versus the universe. But if I have people and environment to support me, it’s so, so much easier. Easier to meet a friend at a matinee than to try to take time off myself. For instance.
Thanks for brilliantly sensing into my ‘lone-ranger’ habit, and for reminding me to allow life to love and support me via other people!
Hi Mark,
This is a new perspective on bullying at work–the tyranny of productivity and addiction to adrenaline-driven deadlines. I also agree that as a culture we seem to be addicted to excitement and have the odd idea that if we’re not full-on productive at least 23.5 hours of the day we’re deadbeats–and we need to seriously question our assumptions and beliefs around “productivity” and “getting ahead.”
It’s not good self-care when we do this to ourselves, and when we think about it, it is bullying to impose those same insane deadlines and pressure on others who work with or for us. At the very least, if we do have to ask team members to work over time to finish a project (sometimes things go sideways or get disrupted even with the best planning and time management) we should be more than adequately compensating them for their time, either as overtime pay or paid time off.
It sounds like figuring out how to apply the authors’ advice about training bystanders in a socially responsible or heart-centered business context would be a great way to build a powerfully supportive, anti-bullying work place culture as a core value of a socially responsible or heart-centered business.
In some ways, I think we’re our own worst enemies. I’ve learned to set limits as I’ve gotten older. I just don’t have the stamina anymore. My attitude changed, too: of course I know what I’m doing, and of course I’ll do it on a schedule that works for me. Gotta’ love contracts!
Margy
After more reflection, I wanted to express this particular appreciation:
Thank you, Mark, for showing such leadership!
Thank you for modeling a different way – demonstrating what sustainability really means, from the inside out.
Your work is a beacon of inspiration for new ways of Being in life, and Being in business.
Oooooh. Now that’s a catchy phrase: “Be-ing in Business”
Thank you, Margit… very sweet to read this.
Argh! All this stuff is hitting really close to home!
A part of me is screaming “whaddaya mean an adrenalin rush? ME?? never! Impossible!”.
And Kelly’s comment too! I’m struggling with blogging more often, and I’m now wondering if my insistence to go all “write, do this, and this, and now!” isn’t precisely what I don’t need to do because it’s not what my (potential) people need…
So many realisations in such a short space of time!
Thanks everyone
Amin, Mary! So glad to hear it’s hitting close to home… for all of us, eh? Hopefully in a healing, nourishing way.
Mary: I have some rules about blogging that I apply to myself and advise to others.
1. Don’t do it if you don’t enjoy writing. I *do* enjoy writing (been doing it professionally for 30 years now) and it’s still work. But it’s work I like. If you don’t, I don’t recommend blogging.
2. Blog as often as seems reasonable and supportable. For me, that’s about once a week, 3-5 times a month. Any more than that and it’s too much. Tuesdays are generally my “blog” day.
3. Think of some people — real people — who represent the target market for your blog. Every time you write, think of them. Would they enjoy reading this? Would it help them?
4. A blog entry can be short or long. Sometimes 3 sentences is enough. Sometimes it takes 12 paragraphs to say what you have to say.
Not to grab this format to hype myself but if you want to check out my blog to see how I’m doing this, go here: havehandswilltravel.blogspot.com
I’m one of the bullies! I recently found myself calculating the minimum number of hours of sleep I could get by with in a particular week and still provide several clients with high-quality work on the agreed timelines. My sad realization afterward was that my motivation for getting the little sleep that I did was my work, not how much I needed to be present for my kids or to preserve my health. Clearly the wrong way ’round!
For me, it’s not the adrenaline rush as much as the inability to say “no” to clients. I could reduce the number by about a third and have a full but comfortable workload (and probably make the same amount or more!), but this seems very difficult to do for a variety of reasons.
In any case, I want to thank Mark for this great post! It’s given me a great deal to think about, as have many of the replies. May we all work together for a less pushy, more sustaninable world!
That’s a fantastic confession, Anonymous- I think we’ve all been there. You might like this article: I’m Just A Girl Who Can’t Say “No!” http://heartofbusiness.com/2007/im-just-a-girl-who-cant-say-no/
This blog post of yours Mark has touched into my heart and psyche so deeply. So deeply. Could it be true? – my resistance to last minute deadlines and working weekends may not be because I am, at my core, deeply flawed, but just a bully? This is good news. Bullies can learn and change.
I’m not sure how to change from a bully to a bystander. I’m going to pick up the book you recommended and have a read. Given that my resistance has been growing to the constant push of our workplace culture, I may find I’m a natural at being a bystander. 🙂
Joanne- just make sure you are gentle on yourself. We all have a bully lurking inside, and gentleness and compassion will go farther than judgement. 🙂