The year my wife Holly and I got engaged, we were biking hills together, camping. We went on a 250 mile bike tour together. Then, one day, she told me, “I can’t walk up the stairs.”
“What? Of course you can.”
My denial of her reality was the beginning of a 10 year journey for her and me through her struggle with Lymes disease. I have to say that at one point we weren’t quite sure what was going to happen. Was she going to be permanently disabled? Was she going to die?
I’ll take you out of suspense and let you know that she did get her health back, but it took 10 years. I was, we both were, scared, overwhelmed, exhausted many times during those years.
As you can well imagine, one of the main struggles we faced was financial. We had been contributing equally to our living expenses and suddenly she couldn’t work. Not all at once. First she worked less. Then less. Then she couldn’t work at all.
In our recent Heart of Money course there were a number of questions from participants who were struggling because they weren’t making as much money as their life partners were, and these participants couldn’t contribute to the household the way they felt they should.
Obviously I’m not Holly, but I want to talk from both of our points of view on this very tender topic.
It’s tender in more ways than one, because many people don’t have a life partner and so may not have access to the support that a partner can sometimes contribute.
For me, when the person I chose to spend my life with couldn’t work, it was a wake-up call. I realized I had to earn enough for both of us. It wasn’t immediate, and we did go into debt and we got help, but eventually I could bring enough for us.
On the other side, Holly and I spoke many times of how hard it was for her to not pay her own way. It was painful to allow herself to focus entirely on her healing and receive the support I was giving her.
It was painful not only because she couldn’t contribute, but because the out-of-pocket, not-covered-by-insurance holistic care, which was the only care that did her any good at all, was expensive. She contributed less, and the cost of supporting her went UP.
Talk about staring your need to contribute and your desire for equality in the face.
I’m sharing this because as someone in business you might be in either of our roles. I don’t want to focus so much on my role in this particular conversation, because I’m afraid of it sounding like, “You’ve got to grow up and face it and just do it!”
It’s kinda true that that was the message I faced, but as I felt it in my heart it was full of love and compassion. That might not be the message in your heart.
No, the message I want to focus on was Holly’s. Her message was: “Receive the support.”
If you are in the position where your business isn’t making it yet, if there is someone who is willing to help support you, or some source of support available to you, please accept it.
Here’s the slightly humbling, perhaps embarrassing part of this: when someone offers you support, and you need that support, but you’re resisting it at the same time, it becomes MUCH harder for the person who is helping to support you.
It’s actually easier if you can surrender and receive: “I’m getting support! Thank you!”
Revelation as I’m writing this: it also applies to your team members. The team here at Heart of Business is supporting the business. And, can I whisper it with shame?, they are also supporting *me.* If I don’t accept their support, it all becomes so much harder.
I was just joking about whispering it with shame–but that’s how I felt a few years back. Now I have a much easier time. Yet I still notice a little *hitch* in my gut around how much support I have to surrender to and accept so that I can do my work.
Let’s take it to an even deeper level: how much support we all need to receive just to be alive. How we’re dependent on the planet and all that’s on it, and the sun that warms this tiny little globe, just so we can keep living.
This is rapidly degenerating into a tear-stained soliloquy on the base-line dependence that is the reality of being human.
The Message?
If support is being offered to you, accept it. Surrender to it. Let go of the egoic need to “pay your way” and instead surrender into being a part of something larger, where you are able to contribute only because you are being contributed to.
Notice all the ways you are being supported. You may not have a life partner financially supporting you, but you might notice how you are being supported, in ways big or small.
What’s up for you around receiving support? Do you do it easily? Do you have a story to share? I want to hear! Add your comment right below.
17 Responses
oh my, mark. wow, did you hit a tender spot here in this article. first, thank you. now i can come clean: yes, my partner of 18 years has supported me in every sense of the word and I have fought him every inch of the way. the arguments and pain and suffering i’ve caused b/c i was unable to accept his generosity has been at times endless. i’d had a full time practice for many years when we fell in love. he lived in europe, i lived in the u.s. we made the choice together that i move there to be with him. and i landed in germany, not knowing a word of the language or nuance of the culture. i was in love. and i was in for a shock: i wasn’t financially independent anymore. i didn’t understand how the banking system worked no less how to understand german. and oh the fights! i kept a one way ticket back to the states, that i used as a threat. which of course backfired, i think sometimes he would have gladly seen me leave. but we were caught by our hearts, being burned clean. we rode it out. he’s been the wind beneath my wings and even now i falter, now i’m sometimes embarrassed b/c i do not have to struggle as hard as others to get my business off the ground again. i’m not trying to figure out the basics.it’s an embarrassment of riches. i am blessed and i realize how much he loves me, his devotion, his good heart. his wish was not to own me or control me. that was a story i carried from my past. what a journey!
Meg- isn’t it so interesting (tender) how we put our stories on others? So many I’ve had to dismantle to let love in. What a journey indeed!
Wow. thank you Mark. this softens my heart so deeply, both because i’m learning every day how to let more support in, especially from my partner, but also because i just recently let go of the shame i felt around receiving support from my parents while getting my feet back on the ground and my business off of it. and more and more i see how vital learning how to really receive support is, be it from the divine, or those around us. what you said about realizing how much support is around you also struck a chord. i can see how i actually need more than I have and would like to step into a place where i own that, let it be what it is, and allow myself to receive more…
oh – and also… i promised to let you know when my website went live, and it has: http://www.jessicaserran.com
i could write a very enthusiastic testimonial for your Heart Centered Websites at any point ; ) and for you recommendation in it to work with Adam Kayce. i feel super-thrilled about the copy i wrote, how i wrote it, how i connected to what it is that i’m truly here to do, and yes, how your course so beautifully supported me.
lots of love!
jessica
Jessica- Softening hearts is always a good thing. And congratulations on your new website- woo-hoo! And very happy for your kind words about Heart-Centered Websites! Thank you!
Hi Mark
Firstly, I found your article deeply supportive, many thanks for your open sharing of your experience.
I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer two months ago and have been completely dependent on my partner and family. Add to the mix that Rob and I were getting married a month after the news broke and you can perhaps imagine the picture – I was faced with a choice – try to hold onto my expectations of how things should be, retain some sense of being a mature, independent woman, and get through this my way, or to surrender to those around me, and to the circumstances we were in. I opted for the latter, but it took some time and wrestling with myself, my pride and ego, to let go and be in the space of the unknown. And although the challenges didn’t just melt away, what arose was a space of connection, love and healing – healing of relationships within my family, and for myself healing of a sense of separation that I’ve come to see was driving me in my need to be independent. This in turn led to a deepening of connection in my relationship to Rob.
I have given thanks many times over the last two months for the Inter-connected nature of life on earth – at times my ego isn’t too happy about it, but I feel a great sense of relief to let go and feel the support that is there – now I believe it’s there for all of us, all of the time if we can be open to it. And in my experience it is this space where synchronicity is free to work its magic – I haven’t read any on your newsletters since the diagnosis, but something this morning had me open up your email and read on – I’m so pleased I did.
God bless you
Rose
Rose- I’m so glad what I wrote was so deeply supportive. And what a journey you’re on, beloved. I’m so glad you have so much support and deepening in facing this challenge. My heart is with you.
Mark, I so appreciate you writing and sharing this. And, I’m SOOOO glad that Holly has recovered. I think I can speak for Susan and myself here (dare I?) :)…we are honored to be able to support you! Thank you for all you do for us! Your contribution to your community is enormous!
Tia! You and Susan have been an amazing part of Heart of Business for years now! Thank you so much for being such an integral part of how we’ve survived and thrived through everything!
Mark,
There is so much in this article that resonated with me that I am breathing, taking it all in…. and joining you in your tears.
The line that most resonated with me was this: “where you are able to contribute only because you are being contributed to.”
Ah, yes. I have closed my heart to receiving….. and then wonder why it feels so hard!
But beyond this, your article prompted a deep, healing a-ha for me that I’d like to share.
Like Holly, I’ve had chronic health challenges. That mine have been primarily mental – depression and anxiety (something my ego says “should” be in my control) – and not physical (something that my ego says is out of my control and therefore not my “fault”) has been a struggle in my heart, and can bring up deep shame.
This shame has made it hard for me to receive support. I’ve been conscious of that, so I’ve worked on shifting that pattern (slowly. 🙂
But your article exposed a deeper truth in my heart that knocked my socks off. The deepest suffering is not my resistance to support, but how I run from acknowledging the tremendous support I am given. Not because I’m ungrateful or blind to it, but because acknowledging this support touches my vulnerability of feeling my very dependence.
The vulnerability felt too much to bear, so I avoided it by avoiding looking at/acknowledging/appreciating the ways I’ve been supported.
Then the people who did support me – primarily my partner – would feel unappreciated because I felt too vulnerable to truly acknowledge their help. Ouch.
Your article and gentle guidance helped me soften into that vulnerability and truly feel my dependence… all the sorrow and grief and fear that’s underneath, all the ways I’m not in control and all the ways I wish I were! I touch the beliefs under my vulnerability – for example, that I’m needier than others – that have fueled this shame.
As I let go, I fall into the waves of surrender. I allow myself to feel other people’s love and support. As I feel all the ways I am supported and helped – I realize, “I am so loved.” Now I’m just sitting here with my heart, feeling this love – taking it in.
Thank you for sparking this healing, Mark. I feel grateful to have your support.
Karly- waves of surrender. Softness. Tenderness. Healing. The vulnerability is where all the nourishment and strength is, but it’s so hard to go there sometimes. So glad what I shared was helpful for you!
Thank you for the post you wrote in 2013 and you recommended me to read after the question I wrote in one of your business course. It is amazing, it is like you wrote this article for me!
In my question I was sharing the struggle in my heart to accept receiving financial support from my husband. And you wrote back “it’s critical to our health and wellbeing to let ourselves rest into that support”.
After your answer, you post and the posts of other people, my heart feels warmth. I sense a process in me that we unfold and I guess help me to accept and receive. Actually I already started to accept.
I am touched. Thank you
Karine- you are so welcome. I’m so glad it was so helpful and that your heart is opening more here- so beautiful!
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Thx 🙂
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