We’ve been going through a particularly challenging transition at Heart of Business, one that is helping us evolve and grow as a true team. In some ways we’re shedding some of the last vestiges of the solopreneur childhood that was, and stepping into the true team that is now.
Similarly, something has been happening with our twins. They are still very young, only 5 years old, but there is a new independence emerging. Although they have always been different from each other in personality, the independence is bringing that into a new light as well.
As a parent, it means that if it’s just one of us with both kids, it’s extremely challenging, and at times impossible, to have engagement with both because they want to do such different things. The end result is that one will kinda-sorta get what he wants, while the other one acts out, disrupting the play. The acting out can last into the next meal and beyond, with refusing to eat vegetables, take baths, go to bed…
But when we have time to deeply connect and play with each one, all of the acting out disappears. They eat their vegetables. They take baths without fighting. They give hugs and say, “I love you, Daddy.”
If you’re trying to get more clients, or otherwise trying to move your business forward, what I’m writing about is extremely relevant.
It may be that you are struggling with some aspect of your business. Maybe you’re at the beginning stages, just trying to get clients and money. Maybe you’re further along than that.
Wherever you are, I’m going to guess that you are trying to get somewhere else. So are we. Heart of Business is in motion.
Life is motion. We’re born, we grow, we die. We’re constantly changing and evolving. We may, for a few moments or days, be at rest physically, but too much of that moves from restfulness to stagnation.
At the same time, a restless, worried striving to move forward is so painful to our spirits. It would seem that the two are at odds- the contentment of the heart and the physical development of our projects, hopes and dreams.
This is where surrender comes in.
Surrender is not a popular term in business, or parenting, or really anywhere in our culture. Surrender has, over the centuries, become equated with “losing.” But, in fact, surrender is the only way to move forward.
As one of my spiritual teachers says, “It’s the only game in town.”
Because the heart is where we receive from the Infinite, anything new, including all progress, originates in the heart. If the heart is not surrendered, then it is worried, restless or striving. And that worry and striving taints the guidance, clarity, and inspiration we receive to move forward.
Another way to say this is that being surrendered to what is allows us to be present. We’re no longer striving, pushing off into the future, or filled with worry, struggling somewhere in the past. Saying yes to what is allows us to come fully into this very moment. This present moment is the place to be in conscious conversation with the Divine.
So how to surrender?
There’s no 1-2-3 formula for surrender. Spiritual surrender is a tremendously large topic. But it starts in one place: with compassionate acceptance and witnessing.
In Sufism, one of the Divine qualities is The Witness. The Divine is the One Who witnesses everything and everyone. This quality has been distorted to feel invasive, from Santa Claus “He knows if you’ve been bad or good” to images of a vengeful, jealous deity.
The truth about being witnessed is that it is the foundation of all healing. You cannot heal without being witnessed. Divine Witnessing means that everything about you is already known, profoundly deeply known and loved.
When we can stop long enough to become aware of this loving witnessing, there is a freedom and openness that happens. A freedom and openness to move forward and take the next step in our lives, supported in love.
Three things for you to know about this:
1. Acceptance means also accepting that you don’t want to accept.
If a situation is painful, you may not want to accept it. Accepting that you don’t want to accept it, as well as facing the pain, and asking your heart to be aware of how ALL of that is being witnessed in love… try that, and see what happens.
2. Details matter.
Without witnessing the details of actions and speech, someone cannot feel truly seen. This is because there is a natural gap between our ideal state and our attempts to live that enlightened state. Our actions and speech inevitably fall short.
Witnessing, with acceptance and love, our “falling short” is the healing balm we need to to drop into the present, so we can move forward in wholeness.
3. The people who want to become your clients want this witnessing from you.
Before they can step forward and become your client, they need to be witnessed in love. Really, deeply seen.
One of my teachers writes, “Every human being is an opportunity for an encounter, for a reflection and thereby for knowing oneself in the other one.” In witnessing another, you also witness that both of you are One.
This morning, before writing this, I noticed that I had a feeling as if I were behind a glass wall, as if life felt foreign and distant to me. I was able to tell this to my wife (we were both up early, before the kiddos), and she just sat there, open-hearted, not offering any suggestions.
As I named it and felt her acceptance of me, I began to ask for the Divine quality of the Witness, My heart opened, my belly relaxed, I could take a breath.
I could step forward.
Your clients are waiting to step forward into your loving care. Can you make space for all of you, so that you’ll have space for all of them?
Do you know someone(s) who can witness you in love exactly as you are, so you’ll have the space to witness them? Can you surrender and not try to fix them, and not try to move them faster then they are ready to go?
They want to receive from you your help and support, and they want to give to you appreciation and payment.
What comes up for you? I’d love to hear your stories and comments about surrender and witnessing.
Introducing Foundations 1: Clients and Money
Over the years I’ve watched thousands of small business owners struggle to bring in clients and money. It often brings me back to the struggle I had starting out, when my wife was really sick and unable to work, and it was all on me. It’s not easy, dear heart, I know.
If this is your struggle, I wrote a mini-series to help you understand what’s going on. It introduces our new program, Foundations 1: Clients and Money, which brings together the core elements you need to move forward.
11 Responses
Great post, Mark. Love the details you shared about witnessing.
It reminds me of a couple of Jewish traditions that I find to be so helpful and meaingful. Interesting how this same wisdom appears so many places!
The traditions are about how to act towards people in mourning, and how to act towards people who are ill. In both cases it’s important that we visit them, so they are not isolated, yet, it’s equally important to be with them in a way that responds to their needs, not the needs of the visitor. The teaching is to just BE with them, to try to feel into where they are and what sort of witnessing would be meaningful to them, and only then to interact, if appropriate, in ways that suit where they are. Mostly the visitor is there to be a presence, and we are taught to try to welcome and witness, rather than block, the Divine Presence, which is there as well.
Surprisingly, given what we usually learn, this means that the visit is not about entertaining the person, fixing them, cheering them up, distracting them from their pain, reassuring them … or all the other ways we might think we should act. In fact, behaving in these ways is actually about ourselves, not them.
I feel privileged to have been had the opportunity to receive these teachings, and love to have opportunities to share them with others who might find them helpful. I am also so grateful to have these guidelines, so it is not scary for me, as it might be otherwise, to visit people in these vulnerable states. Thank God — literally!
I love this, Bridget. Really beautiful, and I’m grateful to have you in or community.
whoops — Bridget again — I mistakenly left in at the end of my post a few lines of things I started to write and meant to delete.
Mark — wow! So lovely to have witnessed your process in writing this post, from the discussion on surrender in the Spiritual Development class earlier today, to receiving this in my Inbox just now. This is very moving to me right now — thank you for the gift of writing it all out.
I am also struck by the feeling of love behind your introduction of Foundations 1. Changing things up for people who have gotten used to routines and rhythms can be so tricky (as a Moneyflow graduate, I am sure I am not the only one who felt some grief that Moneyflow was ending, for example) and it is inspiring to me to watch how gracefully and lovingly you and your team are sharing these big changes.
Namaste.
Thank you, Sam- I’m so happy it was so impactful. And yes, it’s big changes… grief, and growth, together.
There is such truth here Mark. Accepting ourselves is the first step to accepting others. It allows us to face reality and move forward with positive and powerful action from there.
Accepting ourselves also means we can dare to be vulnerable. I think that is so important because when we relate out of a place of vulnerability, we exercise real power to positively transform others.
I’ve just written a post which is about my struggle to accept difficult circumstances in my life and treat myself with compassion which is a personal illustration of the themes you have written about here. You can find it here: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-release-disappointment-and-thrive-when-life-isnt-fair/
Susan- what a journey! So glad it resonated, and I want to go read your post.
Thank you, Mark. This is the key, “Can you surrender and not try to fix them, and not try to move them faster then they are ready to go?” What happens is clients are hungry to relieve the pain, of course, and I get hungry to help/solve the problem/look smart/reassure myself in some way etc,. If we can somehow, in fits and starts, manage our own anxiety (this is language from Family Systems theory) and instead just sit with the suffering and and not leave, it is a tremendous experience of being held and we flow into the movement that naturally arises. So grateful to have experienced this being held and flow with your writings and with Yollana’s help.
Exactly, Debbie! I’m big on family systems work as well, it’s such a missing piece I find. And yes, Yollana is a gem, yes?
Dear Mark,
thank you so much especially for this contribution. It’s so true what you say. It makes me aware how I made progress exactly on this path in the course of last year, while at the same time considerably increasing my revenue.
You are so welcome, Ursula. So glad to hear that!