“Which is bigger, your fear of not making it, or your need for acceptance?”
My client had been struggling to shift her business away from seeing individual clients as a therapist to a more expanded business model, with groups, learning products, and coaching.
She had been rightfully nervous as she shifted her attention away from her weekly client load to building up new, and as-yet unproven for her, revenue streams. We planned it carefully, so she wasn’t taking any unnecessary risks, but still, I can understand how nervousness kept coming up.
But then something she was saying tickled my Sufi sense, and I asked that question about acceptance versus making it.
She sat in her heart and realized that acceptance was actually what was really going on. So time to dive deep into the heart.
What Missing Acceptance Looks Like
In case this is resonating for you, a lack of, or need for, acceptance can look like this, among other things:
- Seeking approval and being hungry for praise and good feedback from those you are serving.
- Comparing yourself to others who *seem* as if they are doing better, getting more attention, appear to be more “popular.”
- Spending more time in networking, social media, and other business-social contact than is actually useful for your business.
It’s okay. These are normal reactions that happen to everyone. It’s just time to refocus a bit.
Be Oh So Gentle
Your heart, my heart, the heart is oh so tender, dear one. It is the most sensitive of our sense organs, the most feeling and permissive of our being.
Because of this, it allows us access to unimaginable mysteries and love. At the same time, it also can be the doorway to a whole lot of gunk and stuckness.
The heart, the metaphysical spiritual heart, works like this: whatever it witnesses fills it.
As a business owner, if you forget who you are in service to you, you can become filled with a whole lotta emptiness.
Every Time I Teach
Each year, as I approach certain classes, my heart becomes filled with certain feelings amplified. As the Heart of Money course approaches, all of my money and survival fears come up. As the Sacred Selling course comes around the calendar, my selling doubts and worries start to hit me.
Then, I remember, my heart is full of the people who are coming to the course. It’s not that the fears aren’t mine, because they are, but they are being amplified beyond all reasonable proportion as I witness the dozens of people who are joining the course to help with those fears.
I’ve lost focus.
Turn To Witness Something Else
This is an incredibly subtle and important step to take, and often misinterpreted. Gross misinterpretations tell you to not associate with any supposedly “negative influences” or people who are “downers” in your life.
Right idea, totally wrong action. The turning away is an internal refocusing of the heart, not replacing all of your furniture. As your heart refocuses, your life will re-arrange itself, usually without you having to do anything very drastic or painful.
Here’s the trick: Who (or What) are you in service to? Most business owners get caught thinking they are in service to their clients and customers. Some believe they are in service to a larger mission.
The truth is that we are all in service to Divine Source. Since we are expressions of the Divine Source, that’s where guidance, wisdom, truth, love, and the ability to act comes from.
Analogy: If you work for a hotel, you may be serving the guests, but you are really in service to whoever runs the hotel. So although you want to be aware of the guests, you want to be deeply aware of your boss and the priorities set down by her.
You are working in the Hotel Divine. Get it?
Try This
When you are finding yourself hungry for approval and acceptance, and scrabbling for feedback from your clients, gently stop.
Now, remember who you are really in service to. Remember the Source of Love that fills you with life and that is your true direction of service.
p.s. The Heart of Money free learning series began with the first lesson January 12.
Perhaps it might be time to get really healthy with your relationship with money. I hope you join us for these three free lessons and free teleclass.
14 Responses
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this post. I have been struggling for years to become a writer (well of course I’m a writer, so I suppose ‘to have readers’ would be closer to the truth. Last night I had another rejection letter which cut me to the quick. I honestly didn’t think I had an ounce of energy to carry on and was awake most of the night alternating between despair and resentment.
I in fact managed to hit all three items on your list
1. I was gutted when I received no approval, praise or positive feedback (despair).
2. I compared myself to others who were more popular (resentment).
3. I had ‘done all the right things’ according to the business gurus – spending hours of precious time trying to be adopted by people in power (rich man in the castle, poor man at the gate). This made me feel a bit like a prostitute (resentment AND despair!)
This morning I gave up trying to sleep, had a good cry, made a double espresso and decided to give up.
Then I read your post.
Then I had another cry, for entirely different reasons.
Thank you for your honesty and your courage and your unfailing integrity. It’s given me the strength to fight another day.
Sending you love, Eleanor, and appreciation for your honesty. It’s certainly a spot we can all fall into. I’ve been there many times. Good thing you have a crowd of people out here waiting and wanting to support you!
Thank you, Eleanor. I believe many business owners recognise this. Thank you for your honesty.
I too had at times lost myself in the ‘need to serve’, when the client was more important – much more important – than me. A client being more important is a warning sign – it can’t be good for our heart?
May you be happy and fulfilled and successful!
Hi Mark,
it is incredible – you were working with me 😉 I just love your messages, this one in particular. Exactly describing where I am now. Scared to let go of something I’m good at, something I have built up for two decades with blood, sweat and tears and time and money… Something that is working (Never change a winning team) and something that gets me approval, compliments, gratitude, recognition, respect, income … I won’t make this e-mail too long 😉
So many doubts – is my heart telling me this, or is my ego pulling? What if this is an illusion?
and
Who am I to be telling people what to do? Who am I to be lecturing, I am not perfect (yet)? I can laugh about this, thank goodness.
Fear of failure, fear of succeeding, fear of the unknown…
Yet every time, the call is there – and it seems it is the call of my heart. And the Universe is giving me feedback – not to be overlooked. When I take a step in the new direction, things seem to fall into place.
Thank you for sharing with us, Mark. Thank you for putting you heart out there.
I was going to post a cheeky comment asking how I forgot that I hired him? 🙂
I’m jumping from agency work/travel sabbatical into private practice, public speaking, workshops…..
I can understand the “Am I good enough? Is this going to make money AND serve people, my heart and …..?”
You’re welcome to contact me if you want a fellow mental health professional to kick ideas around with. 🙂
Thank you for the offer, Jeanie. I’ve been blessed with a colleague kicking my butt – and things look a lot simpler now. 🙂
Can I be of some help to you?
Best wishes,
Monika
Thank you, Mark. This article was very powerful for me, and the timing is perfect. Only last night I became aware I was having a problem with this, and this morning I find the answer in my email! I just love how Spirit (the Divine) works!
I’ve been in this spot many times, and gratefully, I’m in a bit of a reprieve. Reading your article, Mark, and seeing/feeling the comments of others brings relief.
As I glug, glug, glug my way to the surface I’ve been realizing how those old patterns in my life kept me focused and oriented on getting love and approval from “out there.” I end up grasping at what feels empty. It brings up the negative sides of my neediness, like I’ll never get nourished or full.
My practice at the moment is to feel whatever treacherous experience is going on and instead of looking for the answer outside, to go into this painful place, remembering who my true dedication is to. Surprisingly the more I hold this stance the more I’m glad to go inside and feel the turmoil. I find it radically satisfying.
This conversation reminds me how to meet the day. Thank you all —
Thank you for this fabulous post Mark. I feel so blessed to know you when I receive such amazing teaching from you. I thank you for your raw honesty in the listening guidance that was ‘wrong’. And the question of where your heart ends up in the experience. Thank you for sharing that story.
It’s a very inspiring post. You know what, I’ve always thought of this idea everytime I think negative thoughts. It goes…”How can others accept me if I can’t accept myself first?”. Makes sense right? It all begins with ourselves,a helping hand is great but we really need to keep moving forward.
Thank you, Mark.
I, too, have been guilty of using acceptance from others as a proxy or justification for self-acceptance. I’ve been accused of “hiding my light under a bushel” when I fear losing acceptance. Things go more smoothly for me, I can enter Flow easier, when I connect to the Divine and let this little light of mine shine, shine, shine!
Oh Mark,
Can I just snuggle up next you you and stay there until this post becomes a permanent part of me? I feel like I “know” these things as a fact, but I drop the ball so often on living it. If I could just tatoo this on the inside of my head so it stays there, I’d have a much easier life! Thanks for represencing it.
Nice post Mark. No matter what it is we are doing in life … whether it is business or our personal life, we all strive for and desire to have acceptance. Your post is a great example and tool for all of us who look a little to far sometimes! Thanks
This is a truly inspiring article. Especially liked the “Hotel Divine” analogy ! Cheers !