Response to previous week's article: 'There's no such thing as resistance.'
Someone wrote in challenging me on my 'There's no such thing as resistance' article of a couple weeks back. He agreed with the article, but he took exception to this part:
"Frustrating as all git-out, ain’t it? You’re just being resistant, and you’ve got your heels dug in because of some deep psychobabble problem from three lifetimes ago."
The person who wrote in said that while he held me in high regard, the phrase "psychobabble problem from three lifetimes ago" felt like it crossed a line, and could be taken to be demeaning and hostile to the person who was struggling. I now understand how VERY easily that sentence could be interpreted in a way other than how I meant it. Ugh.
I was trying to be lighthearted because that's how I often deal with difficult situations. If my words landed heavily in your heart, please accept my apologies.
And now to move on tenderly to today's subject. Which is, after all, about tenderness.
Article: The missing ingredient before you launch a new offer
Have you ever had a whiz-bang idea, and you're ready to launch it out in the world? A book, a class, a program, something you're wanting to contribute to the greater whole through your business?
And you get it 90% done. In fact, you could have it done in time for tomorrow, 9am. But you don't. You get distracted, you do other things. You do everything except finish it.
This is a little bit of a different dynamic than mere 'procrastination' or not getting to something important. This has to do with releasing something you did out into the public.
Despite your excitement, confidence, and enthusiasm, you still sit on it. Despite the fact that you have clients and friends begging you to release, nah-ah, no way. It's not happening.
Why not?
The two dynamics of being in the public eye.
When you're in the public eye, there are two dynamics happening at the same time. There is the dynamic of giving, contributing, and doing. Many spiritual traditions call this the 'masculine' aspect of life, known as 'yang' in some eastern traditions. Note that it's not called 'male' or 'men.' Everyone has it.
The second dynamic is receiving, containing, holding. This is often labeled the 'feminine' or 'yin' dynamic.
Both dynamics are equally important. If you all you do is give, it can be like a fire hose, and pushes people away. If all you do is receive, people may avoid you not wanting to be sucked dry.
Interesting... interesting... but so what? How does this really work?
Yin precedes yang.
You breathe in, you breathe out. You eat, then you go play ultimate frisbee. You receive love as a child, and then you can go give love as an adult.
We must receive prior to giving, because we can't give what we don't have. When you make an offer, people respond by purchasing it or signing up for it, and then you give it to them once they've paid. Receive, then give.
But, there's a problem. In order to receive, that means you must be open. A closed mouth can't receive food, even with an entire buffet in front of you. A closed heart receives no love- no matter how much is being given.
And, to open to receive, you must be vulnerable. Vulnerability is a risky thing. Very risky. What happens if you open yourself up? What if no one responds? What if they hate you? What if you leave the safety of the oasis and a saber-toothed tiger hunts you down and eats you?
Yang precedes yin.
There is one thing the yang-masculine must do before the yin-feminine will ever relax and open enough to allow anything in.
The yin needs witnessing. The yin needs to be seen and witnessed in a very authentic way. When the vulnerability and softness is witnessed by the yang, then the yin can trust that the active part of you really -gets- the yin part, and won't take it into danger.
The REAL spiritual story behind the surrender of the feminine.
A lot of spiritual traditions talk about the 'subservience of the woman to the man.' In a literal sense, this is nonsense. It has nothing to do with the order of authority- it has to do with the flow of giving and receiving.
The feminine does need to surrender and receive, so that the masculine can act. AND the masculine must first surrender and witness the feminine, truly see the feminine completely, so that the feminine can surrender and receive.
Your offer isn't being launched because your yin is waiting to be witnessed. So, are you ready to complete this yin-yang cycle and get your offer out in the world?
Keys to Completing the Cycle.
• Stop trying to finish it.
The first thing the yang has to do is stop pushing forward. If you don't stop pushing, you'll have your own inner feminist liberation front continuing to shut everything down.
No matter what the deadline is, it's okay. If you stop, you may get going again relatively quickly. If you don't stop pushing, you may never get through it at all.
• Notice your own tenderness.
Ask in your heart to be shown any tenderness or vulnerability you may be feeling around your new offer launch. The first thing you may notice are worry thoughts like: "What if they hate me?"
Make space for those voices, but go past them to a deeper place in your heart where you just notice how tender you are. That you -do- care whether they like you. That place of tenderness is very holy and sacred.
• Do you have someone who can witness you?
Sometimes just witnessing for yourself is enough. Other times, it can be helpful to have a trusted friend or loved one who can sit with you and let you know they see your tenderness, and accept it.
It's really important that the person who is witnessing your tenderness is not offering any strategies or other yang suggestions to fix or move forward. It's just a matter of witnessing the tenderness, and seeing it.
What I've found is that once that yin-tenderness is witnessed, often nothing else needs to be done. This happened with my own book release two years ago. I even mentioned in the email announcing my book that I felt very tender and vulnerable about it. Giving myself permission to speak it, made it possible for me to launch into action.
More recently, I've seen this with my own offers, and with clients, and, similarly, nothing else needed to be done. Once the tenderness is witnessed, action just followed.
If you are 90% of the way towards launching an offer, take the next few minutes (or hours, or day) to let your tenderness be witnessed. And then see what happens next!
The best to you and your business,
Mark Silver