It’s because all of those details are actually the least important part of a purchasing choice.

One common misconception says that human beings make choices based on what’s best for them, but that falls apart really quickly in the aftermath of several empty tubs of ice cream, as you hold your stomach and groan, “Why did I do that again?!?”

There’s a slightly more sophisticated version, which says that we make choices based on emotions, flinging rationality out the window. Well, this has a little more truth, but how many times have you, or someone you know, seesawed back and forth on a decision, unable to come to grips with it? Emotions do form a big part of who we are, but we aren’t run by them.

The truth is, there is no one particular way we make choices. Our decision-making apparatus is complex with many different variables wired in. There are many eminent cognitive scientists who can speak in much more detail than I can, so I’m just going to paint the picture with three broad strokes so that you understand how our choices cascade and in what order the variables apply.

Yes, that’s right: the variables apply in a certain order. Humans make decisions in a cascading manner. When a choice is presented to one of us thinking bipeds, there is something we consider first, then second, then third. So what are those things?

The One-Two-Three of Your Customers’ Decisions

The first thing any human looks for in a decision is an answer to this question: “Does it match my identity? Will this decision put me inside or outside my ‘tribe’?”

Belonging is such a deep, primal need. And no wonder. We human beings are not very adept at surviving on our own. First of all, we like company. Second, we?re not really well equipped to survive in the face of predators, and so there’s safety in numbers.

Being ostracized from your tribe is tantamount to death. No wonder it’s our first priority. So, when faced with any choice, the very first thing we?re thinking is: “If I do this, do I risk losing my tribal membership?” Here’s how an executive of a global corporation explained it to a consultant I know: “We’ve come to the conclusion that our customers make their decisions exclusively on their values.” Values are things you believe in or hold dear. And where do values come from? They mostly come from your community, your tribe. It’s a way of identifying who you belong to, by identifying what you care about.

This is the single most important consideration in any decision. Remember this, because the need for identity is the foundation of why Worldview is so important to your business.

If you want proof of whether this is correct or not, take a look at how consistently wars have happened throughout history. Whatever the reason the leaders had for starting a war, soldiers choose to risk their lives because of patriotism–defense of the tribe. Unhealthy lifestyle choices can fit into the same category. The ego can identify so strongly with things like smoking or drinking or extreme sports that it won?t let go, even when facing the likelihood of dying. Identity is the trump card in the human decision-making tree.

And Numbers Two and Three in the Hierarchy of Choice?

The second choice in the decision-making hierarchy, once it passes the tribal test, is “Do I need or want what this choice will bring me?” Personal choice and need comes more into play once your very identity is no longer at risk. What you want for dinner, what you want to achieve in life, what color iPod you want all fall into this second level of choice.

There is a strong distinction between need and want–generally want is more powerful than need except in extreme cases. You can see this when someone has a heart attack and they quickly quit smoking and start eating a healthy diet. But as the event fades into the past, they fall more and more easily back into their desires for bacon and mashed potatoes with melted butter, instead of the brussels sprouts and broccoli that will help keep them alive.

Finally the choice come down to: “Okay, this decision keeps me in the tribe, and I want or need it. Now, is it possible for me? Do I have the resources to make this choice?” Logically, you would expect the possibility to come second instead of last, but that’s a testament to human ingenuity and persistence. We first figure out if we need or want something, and then we see if it’s possible.

Don’t Get Stuck on the Third Choice

When your customers aren’t buying, it’s often easiest for you as a business owner to go to that third choice: “Can I make it more affordable for my customers?” Sometimes, if business owners have thought it through a little more or have had some marketing training, they’ll climb one higher on the decision tree, putting more intention to helping a client decide whether they want or need the offer.

Very few businesses spend time deciding which world they live in and which world their best clients live in. But the ones who do see results. Let me give you some pointers.

Keys to Implementing the Hierarchy of Choice

• When Do You Want to Buy What You Don’t Need?

Look for websites, stores and other businesses that make you feel like you belong there. Look for offers of products and services that you don’t need and yet are compelling to you just because you want to get close to the person or business.

That may sound strange, but you know it happens. Like my client who admitted that she just liked being in Starbucks even though she doesn’t like the coffee so much. Or someone else I know who was tempted to sign up for a course she didn?t need just because the person offering it was someone she wanted to hang out with.

Find those businesses, however rare they may be, that do that for you.

• Why Do You Want To Shnuggle Up?

What about those businesses is so compelling to you? Print out one of their web pages, or remember an interaction with them and go over it in detail. What specific things help you feel so comfortable?

I’m going to guess that a big part of it has to do with two things. The first is how they use language and the second is the aesthetic look and feel of the business.

• And Your Business?

Comb through at least one of your website pages or brochures or whatever you are doing to present your business out in the world. Is it representing your tribe? Is it doing those little things, language-wise and aesthetically, that are going to help your tribe feel at home?

It may seem artificial, but those bits and bobs are actually representations of your core values, of how you see the world and what you believe in. And that’s not artificial at all, that’s profound.

I was emailing with the owner of a website who was selling beautiful organic cotton bedding, yet her website was all square corners. I suggested that at the very least she bring in some rounded edges, because there’s a whole aesthetic to helping express core values of comfort, rest, and ease. And sharp corners don’t do it.

Start infusing those bits and bobs into your business. It may seem odd that the way you decorate, or a turn of phrase that is uniquely you would be more important than the specific details of your offer, but they are.

As you bring more and more of your tribe into your business, I bet you’ll find more and more people shnuggling up, sticking around and becoming customers.

Do you have examples of businesses you like so much that you feel like you belong to the same tribe?

They all get scared. Gut-clenching scared. Scared witless. (And me, too.)

If you’re going to be a business owner, especially in the early years of the start-up phase, then fear is going to be your friend.

You hear all these buzz phrases about fear, such as ‘Well, you know, fear stands for False Experience Appearing Real. So, just overcome your fear! Come’on!’

Baloney. Tell that to me when my mortgage is due in three days, and the money coming in is half what I need it to be. Who wouldn’t be scared?

Anyone who is building a small business gets scared. It’s normal.

Scared about the money. Scared about whether anyone likes what you’re offering. Scared about whether you are doing the right thing. Just plain nervous, anxious, and frightened.

So, if it’s so common, how come it’s so hard to deal with it?

Well, the main thing about fear isn’t that it’s hard to deal with. It’s that it’s so hard NOT to deal with it. Avoiding fear is hard. ‘Overcoming’ fear is a herculean task. But it’s easy to just be scared.

You are allowed to be scared. There is no one else who isn’t scared at times. Give yourself time to be afraid (and it doesn’t always have to wake you up at 3am in the morning because you didn’t let yourself be scared during your work day.)

When scared, say to yourself: “This is normal. It’s okay. I’m allowed to be scared.”

What is fear? Did you ever have a friend, or a parent, or a spouse who, when you were about to rush out the door to an important event, grabbed you and said, ‘Hold it, don’t forget your lunch, and your ticket to get in!’

Fear is that friend.

Fear in business doesn’t come up because you did something wrong, you’re doomed, or you look funny. Fear comes up because you’re not seeing some gorgeous, valuable and much-needed jewel right where you’re standing, and it will absolutely not let you go out that door without it.

Maybe, just maybe, instead of trying to ‘overcome’ your fear, you should listen to it?

But, there is a trick to listening to fear, without which you won’t find what’s right in front of your face. Want to learn the trick, and read an example of how it works?

Keys to Hearing Your Fear

• Notice the physical sensation of fear- and revel in it.

Fear has physical sensations- what are they for you? In other words, how do you know you’re afraid? For me, my low belly has a hollow-dropped-out feeling. Then, my reaction to the hollowness is to clench my shoulders, my chest, and my jaw so I stop breathing as deeply- it keeps me from feeling the hollowness.

If I slowly relax the clenching, and focus in on the hollow feeling I notice, hey, it’s just a hollow feeling. I let myself get intimate with it- really feel that hollow feeling, get comfortable and familiar with it. Breath into it. Already you should start to feel more spacious and calm.

• What’s the story the fear is telling, and what is the core of truth in it?

Your fear is talking to you. It’s often saying things like, “You can’t do this.” “You shouldn’t be doing this.” “It will never work.” Things like that.

The funny thing is, most of the time these phrases are TRUE- but incomplete. For instance, “You can’t do this… alone.” Or, “You shouldn’t be doing this… right now.” Or, “It will never work… if you don’t rest.”

A warning signal brings through an important message for you, but then you clamp down from the fear, and miss the most critical and helpful part of the message. Bummer. But, it’s never too late to get the rest of the message.

How can you access this message? Once you settle into the physical part of the fear, accept the message you are hearing, “You can’t do this…” as true, and then ask in your heart, with a willingness to be surprised, for the rest of the message. It may take awhile, so be patient.

• My example: “You shouldn’t be here.”

It was one of my first times co-teaching with Dr. John Wadude Laird, someone who has been a spiritual teacher of mine for years. Fear was telling me ‘You shouldn’t be here,’ and I was feeling small, awkward, and out of place. Scared witless, actually. I spoke up in the class to deliver a point, and immediately felt worse- the fear shot way up.

After class Wadude (it’s a spiritual name that means ‘The Loving’… I could’ve taken the hint, eh?) came up to me and said: “I need to talk to you, after I talk to this person.” My fear jumped another ten notches. I wasn’t imagining it- he was going to blast me! I went to the bathroom, washed, and came back, steeling myself for the firing squad.

Here’s what he said:

“Mark- it was a hard decision to hire you for this position, because other people had been around longer. But, after teaching with you, I absolutely know deep in my heart that we made the right choice.”

Stunned, I thanked him, and walked away. What happened? I went through the two steps above, it took me about 30 minutes, but I eventually heard the whole message: “You shouldn’t be here, in this psychological place of doubting yourself, because you are trusted and loved, and you are in the right position.”

So, what message about your business has your friend Fear been shouting herself hoarse trying to get through to you?

Your Right Price pdf.

The design of the pdf is a few years old- I’d love to update it and prettify it, but the information is rock-solid. It’s an excerpt from the larger Guidebook, which has what used to be all and is now just many of our foundational teachings in it.

What you’ll need to use it.

You’ll need some way to go inside and check your heart. I have a method called the Remembrance, which is a Sufi spiritual practice that anyone can use. It’s very simple, and you can get our free workbook that has a complete how-to of it here: Getting to the Core of Your Business. (It also includes the fabulous Unveiling Your Jewel exercise, which is finding your uniqueness, your USP, in an unassailable, non-gimicky way.

If you don’t use the Remembrance, use another method of accessing your intuition, your heart, your deep knowing. It’s also incredibly helpful to do the exercise in a group. As Havi described in her post, and as I did in the comments to her post, it really builds your confidence to hear other people reflect your resonant price back to you. You can learn to trust it that way.

Just my Friday gift to you, prompted by Havi’s wonderful description.

And, as a ‘nother little gift, here’s a teaching I did on why buying or selling something is NOT a transaction, and why it’s okay to “sell” something as sacred and beautiful as the amazing work you do.

Sufi Teaching on Pricing (mp3). (An excerpt from a past six-month Opening the Moneyflow Course.)

Enjoy! And let me know if you have any questions, problems, or pushbacks. It IS pretty wacky spiritual stuff.

Have you fasted before? If you haven’t, let me tell you, it’s hard. It’s not very much fun. What is, in the late morning, a little annoying thirst becomes by late afternoon straight-up hunger, with a good dose of crankiness thrown in.

Well, not always. There are good days of fasting, too. Days when you wake up, and float through the day, carried by some Divine grace of connection. But, there’s no guarantee what the day is going to turn out like.

And any spiritual practitioner who’s been involved with an ascetic practice like this knows what I’m tawkin’ about.

Why do it?

There’s a lot of talk in the business world about flow, and what creates flow states. And, I myself have written a lot about the difference between discipline and flow. So, where do you apply discipline, forcing/pushing yourself to do something that maybe is unpleasant or you don’t want to?

I say this: don’t apply it to business tasks, apply it to spiritual discipline.

Now, before you think I’m some kind of goody two-shoes (where in the heck did that phrase come from?), I’ll let you know I have pushed my way through lots of business tasks, and I’ve also slacked lots on spiritual practice. But, I can tell you from personal experience, that it hasn’t been the most effective way to do things.

In working with clients, sometimes we’ve spent up to 45 minutes of a one-hour session on doing the spiritual work/clearing/healing/weird Sufi chanting around some business project… and in the final 15 minutes the practical pieces all fall into place click-click-click, with five minutes left to spare to wind it all up.

That’s what I’ve noticed. As I’ve read from my spiritual lineage (paraphrase- can’t find the original text in this moment) “If you took half the energy you use chasing goals and things in the world, and put it into spiritual practice, your progress would move ten times as quickly.”

Of course, that’s spiritual progress… which is a tricky thing to talk about like that, because spiritual progress isn’t linear, and trying to get somewhere spiritually is usually a bad idea, but I told you it was a paraphrase, so we’ll have to be content with what my poor memory can dredge up.

Anyhoo, what I’m talking about is how to create smoothness and flow in your business. Which immediately brings up a question I sometimes get asked.

“But Mark, you’re all lucky because you’re in this set lineage and tradition. I don’t have a tradition, and I’m not really looking for one. So, how do I keep up a practice?”

Okay, I’ll cop to it- I’m really happy (and occasionally cranky) with my spiritual path of Sufism. (Which, just so’s you know, pronouned “Soof-ism” not “soofy-ism.” The first is what I do. The second is the study of people like me. )

And yet, as the Qur’an says, “O mankind! Indeed, We have created you male and female, and have made you nations and tribes that you may know one another.” Basically, we’re all walking our path, and it’s good to mingle.

But, quotes from the Qur’an aside, if you’re interested in spiritual discipline that will also support your business (as well as your life in general), here are what is known as The Five Pillars, which I’ve found in every spiritual path I’ve every looked at. So, I think of them as an elemental structure for a spiritual path.

Pillar One: Declaration of Faith.

Basically, if you’re going to take on a spiritual discipline, it starts with facing the big question: is there, or isn’t there Divine Source? All spiritual paths start with this very step. The great thing, of course, is that you start with a deep sincerity to know that Oneness.

As I said, all spiritual paths start with an intention to step onto the path. You can bring questions: “Well, heck, I have no idea what’s there.” But you still affirm a faith that there is something larger than you, your experience as a human being.

Pillar Two: Regular Connection

The word in Arabic for prayer is “salat,” and it means “connection.” In my path, we say “make salat” which is more than just picking tomatoes and greens out of the garden. It means taking the time to have a prayer/meditation practice. And, just like you eat more than one meal a day, you probably need to make connection more than one time a day.

Muslims pray five times a day. Jews pray three times a day. Buddhists will sit twice or more times a day. The Catholics have the Office that go right ’round the clock. Spiritual paths from every corner of the world have a practice of connecting to Source more than once a day. Maybe, just perhaps, it’s a good idea.

Pillar Three: Alms

You know how you learned the bitter lesson at the age of three that you “had to share” and that it wasn’t really optional? It’s the same as an adult. When we receive sustenance in the world, we have an obligation to share it with those who are hungry and homeless.

This is not some kind of heavy-handed attempt to control you, it’s just good manners. And, it’s a spiritual discipline, too. Tithing, not out of choice, but out of a discipline and commitment to connect with Source, is deeply nourishing and is found in every spiritual path I’ve ever seen.

And the other two pillars?

Fasting and pilgrimage. All spiritual paths I know of have a practice of fasting, as I spoke about above, of turning away from the material world, at least for some period of time. And every path has a practice of some sort of pilgrimage, that is a physical metaphor for the journey of return that we are all making towards Oneness.

I’ve never made a pilgrimage before, but friends and clients I know who have return profoundly changed by the experience.

But, I don’t want to turn away from the world!

Because of past baggage and poor teaching, some folks have learned about one or another of these practices as some kind of judgment and condemnation of our humanity, and of the physical world. As if it’s somehow “bad.”

It isn’t bad. And the purpose of these practices is not to judge anything. However, if all we see is the physical world, and that’s often all that our five senses brings us, we get an awfully limited view of reality. Because we spend the vast majority of our waking hours taking in stimuli from the physical world, immersed in it, it’s very helpful to take some time each day to withdraw attention from the physical world, and connect to the larger reality.

Of course, ultimately, in an enlightenment experience, All is One. But, for myself I’m rarely granted that kind of experience, and I don’t live there moment to moment, although I’ve had long moments of tasting it- I bet you have, too.

The result of all that spiritual discipline?

An ease and smoothness in daily affairs. The drama-meter goes way, waaaay down. Solutions and paths seem more visible. And, when they aren’t visible, it’s not so worrisome.

In short, the flow state is a lot more accessible to our human experience.

So, even if you don’t have a spiritual tradition or a set path, if you have practices that fall into each of the five pillars, you’ll have a solid practice that can carry you forward, nourish your heart, and, oh by the way, make running your business MUCH easier.

Yah? What tradition, or no tradition, or you in and what’s your experience with these five pillars? What practices do you have that support you? And do you find true what I’m saying about discipline?