And it plops. Fails. Doesn’t look like it did in the cookbook. The waves of despair start lapping at the shore of misery, and whatever other hyperbolic imagery occurs to you. Darn it! Was the information bad? Were you tricked? Why didn’t it work like you expected it to?

Totally normal expectation, and, I’m sorry to report, it’s not an unusual outcome.

Let Me Tell Your Two Stories of Failure

When it was time to hire someone else to help at Heart of Business, I talked to a friend of mine who had been a CEO that hired lots of people, and got great advice from him. I read some of the top interviewing books. And my wife, Holly, and I went through the steps.

Two bad hires. In a row. Fine people, just really bad fits. And then the third was totally golden: Kate Williams, who, if you haven’t had the pleasure to meet yet, I hope you do someday.  She’s amazing at all sorts of stuff, including managing this business for success.

Here’s another one. I had learned about marketing from all kinds of experts, from various angles. As a result, I had great content, a good sales page, testimonials and success cases, a decent list of email subscribers, and a history of selling out other courses.

But my own marketing course? I couldn’t fill it. Painful, especially when someone emailed me, “I’m not going to take a marketing course from someone who can’t even fill it.” Until, on the advice of a great friend of mine, Jason Stein of Freetobeparents.com, I tweaked the title of the course. It sold out.

Humbling. And that’s just two stories out of many. And they keep happening all the time to me.

The Spiritual Lesson About Success and Failure

You’re not going to like this. Well, I didn’t like it, and so I’m guessing you aren’t going to like it, either.

Life, and business, is not about success. And no, it’s not about “learning some lesson,” either, although that’s what happens from time to time.

Ancient spiritual teachings tell us that the aim of life is to find love everywhere. To be overly attached to success and to abhor struggle, failure, or other hardships is a subtle turning away from love.

Here’s a question I love asking my heart when I’m struggling: “Is love available even here?”

The Implications for Your Business

Business and life have risks associated with them. Marketing, hiring, and other business development thingamadoodles you may take on are not paint-by-number projects. Sometimes they work out wonderfully. Sometimes there’s challenge and struggle involved.

What’s certain is that you can make decisions easier and temper the risks by learning from trusted sources, whether it’s friends, teachers, books, or other places. Not learning from others is a sure recipe for drawn out struggle. Kinda like trying to learn the tuba by yourself while wearing earplugs.

You might eventually do okay with it, but why put yourself through that?

However, it’s also important to understand that the learning process doesn’t preclude struggle. Wisdom is gained through experience, and experience is gained through, well, doing it and seeing what happens and then learning from what you see.

All of this is perhaps somewhat obvious, but I’ve seen many people, including myself, put a tremendous amount of hope and expectation on having other people “save” them. My message to you is, if possible, to let go of the idea that someone else’s wisdom is going to save you from struggle.

When you do struggle, ask yourself the question, “Is love available even here?” That can reduce the fear of trying new things, when your heart can receive the knowledge that you are cared for even in, perhaps especially in, times of struggle.

And then keep doing it. That third hire, that umpteenth tweak of a course title, that next iteration is the charm. Your business can succeed, if only you’re willing to let go of attachment to success, and find love even in the struggle.

And then, thawang! Upside the head. Someone lets you know that, ahem, you suck eggs. That what you do sucks eggs. That something just didn’t work for them, and they are upset about it.

Pssssssstttttttttttt… all the air goes out of the balloon. You feel queasy in the stomach, and you are ready to either collapse into tears–”You’re so right! I so suck!” or to come out swinging–”How dare you complain! This is amazing stuff. If you can’t see it, well, buzz off!”

Obviously, neither of those reactions is really the right one. You know it, but you should take a few minutes and indulge nonetheless.

That’s right, it’s okay to have your reactions. Go ahead, collapse or rage, or both. Have a blast. But not for very long, just a few minutes, because you don’t want to get stuck in such a painful place.

The Spiritual Teaching Behind Complaints

In Sufism, it is said that the Divine created the entire creation out of a “yearning to be known.” Everyone is yearning to be known.

And yet they are afraid that once they are known, they won’t be acceptable. That’s why we have such a negative reaction to complaints–we’re afraid it means we aren’t acceptable. Well, the person complaining has the same fear.

The essential message behind the complaint is: “Do you see me? Am I acceptable? Even when I’m needy and vulnerable and upset, am I acceptable?”

Here’s the thing: it takes a LOT of nerve to complain. And by “nerve” I mean courage. It’s scary to bring negative feedback to someone, because what if they don’t like you? What if they judge you? What if they slam you?

For someone to complain, they need to already have a sense of safety and trust with you. When that angry or upset person complains, it means they think you care. It means they think they can tell you and not get hurt in return.

Listen, I know it doesn’t feel like it in the pit of your stomach, but receiving a complaint is a very high compliment. It’s taken me some years to get here, but I love getting complaints.

Bad News is Good News

To the savvy business owner complaints are good news. They tell you where you are off, where something isn’t working. They give you real feedback about what to work on, improve or avoid. Complaints can literally save your business.

None of us walk on water. We can always improve, do things better, learn more, deliver more effectively. And those clients who dare to complain are our biggest allies in helping to improve our businesses.

And yet there’s still that feeling in the pit of your stomach. How can you receive a complaint as a gift and respond effectively, without collapsing?

Keys to Getting Slammed With Love

• Let Yourself Be Witnessed

When I receive a complaint that strikes deeply for me, I get support. Reach out to someone who loves you, who can hear you first vent, and then access your heart again.

Argh! That sucked! I can’t believe they would say that! Okay, breath, find heart, ask “Is love available even here?” My heart relaxes, I breathe more deeply. Safe…

• Witness Them

After you reconnect with your heart, ask to be shown their tender heart and the yearning to be seen that they have. When you can connect to that tenderness, respond with witnessing and appreciation.

“Wow! I get how that really sucked for you. What a painful experience, and especially when you were expecting something so different, better feeling! I’m so sad to hear that’s what happened for you, I totally want you to have had a different experience.

“And I have a deep gratitude that you’re willing to tell me. I really depend on hearing honest feedback, and I welcome it, so thank you.”

• Learn

Now it’s time to improve your business. Someone may have complained that what you did was the worst thing since sliced bread (if you happen to hate sliced bread). Hey, it may not have been that bad, really, but what learning can you pull from it?

Someone complained passionately about how we had set up the partner exercises for the Heart of Money. Some offered helpful suggestions to improve it, and others praised it. Because of this feedback, we’re in discussion about whether or not we need to take a stand around the partner exercises being an integral part of the course, but being MUCH more clear about communicating that, and also giving people a reasonable way to opt-out.

Or, we’re wondering, do we just make the partner exercises optional and self-generated? This timely and on-target complaint started a great discussion here at Heart of Business about how to support people’s learning and participation.

• Ask For Complaints

In most of the courses we run, and in our membership community, The Business Oasis we ask for the “Bad and the Ugly” on a regular basis. That’s right, we ask straight out: “Tell us what isn’t working. If it’s small, if it’s large, whatever it is, let us know. We may be able to fix it, we may not. But if we don’t know, we can’t do anything.”

Complaints, surprisingly, can be the most fruitful in generating revenue-producing ideas, and in opening your heart in service. Know that the tender heart just wants to be seen, and let yourself learn from it.

I’m curious–how are you at accepting complaints and feedback?

For instance, I was working with a client who has a number of staff working under him that he wanted to delegate to more efficiently. Despite his efforts, the same problem showed up in employee after employee.

Okay, so it got incrementally better, somewhat. But even after several years he was still exhausted, and the delegating wasn’t really taking the load off.

Harumph… His way of trying to fix the mistakes didn’t seem to be fixing anything, because they kept coming back.

Does this sound familiar? Do you have problems that keep cycling back over and over again in your business? What’s going on? How do you fix these “unfixable” mistakes?

The Problem with Human Mistake Radar

Here’s what I’ve learned through the Sufi teachings about mistakes: our human guidance system is nearly infallible in detecting that a mistake has happened. All the emotional, physical and inner-knowing symptoms that tell us something is “off” or not right are usually very, very reliable.

Maybe you’ve got a sinking feeling in your stomach. Or just a knowing that something is out of whack. However you get it, you know that a mistake has occurred.

Unfortunately, most of us have not been taught how to look behind this discomfort to see what the mistake actually is.

Let me restate that: as a human, you know when a mistake has occurred, but you rarely know what the true mistake actually is.

Why We Misidentify Mistakes

It’s hard to name the mistake, because as humans we usually grab onto the most visible part of it: our actions, and the results that came from them. But the action wasn’t the mistake. You need to look behind the actions.

The mistake that occurs within a project or with a person happens before the action.  When that relationship is out of whack, then your actions reflect that out-of-whack relationship. In the example with my client, he had to eventually look at not what he did with his the employees but at his own relationship with delegating.

Why Mistakes Are a Gateway, the Sufi View

Mistakes are required. Without mistakes an essential part of our humanity would be missing. The part of you, deep in your heart, that really wants to know that you don’t have to earn love and acceptance. That no matter what you do, love is available.

Forgiveness is the bridge. Without it, we can’t truly relax into being our full human selves. And without mistakes, we wouldn’t be able to taste forgiveness in our hearts. There will always be a place in us saying: “But if I goof up, I’m doomed, unlovable.”

Allow me to quote from a Sufi teacher, who is describing God’s perspective on our mistakes (please forgive the Old Testament flavor):

“Through the gate of the mistake, most of My beloveds come to reach Me. First, I put them in the fire of the mistake, then this fire brings them to the deeper fire of My love. Then I show them My light in the fire, and in a moment they jump and are face to face…” (from Music of the Soul, by Sheikh Sidi al-Jamal).

The first “fire of the mistake” that the Sheikh mentions refers to our internal guidance system-that place that feels yucko that something went wrong.

The second fire is the return to love that burns away the yuck. it’s the insight that comes in this second fire that shows you the true mistake without a tinge of shame or guilt. It will feel pure, simple and very true.

Back to my client above, the insight he finally achieved was understanding that he actually wasn’t really delegating anything, because he continued seeing his employees as something less then the responsible adults they were.

Seeing and acknowledging his employees as responsible adults was the change needed to correct his mistake.

Marinate Before the Fire

Before you jump in with both feet, take a gentle breath, and just let your heart marinate on this insight. Ahhhh.

Still the mistake happened. A goof-up occurred, and the mess is here and now. So you still have to clean it up. How do you jump from the first fire of yuck to the second “deeper fire of love,” so you can clean things up?

Keys to Cleaning Up the Mess

• Take responsibility for the unknown.

When you feel that yucko feeling of a mistake, your first inclination may be to push it away. But that doesn’t work so well. Instead, take full responsibility, even though you don’t know what that looks like yet.

That’s right, find the place in your heart that is willing take full responsibility for the mistake. It’s yours, and remember, it’s your gateway to love.

• Ask for forgiveness.

The way the Sufis ask for forgiveness is to call into the heart: “I ask for forgiveness from Source. Please help me to see what I don’t know.” And be willing to be surprised.

Be patient. This process has taken me as little as one minute, and sometimes as long as 30-60 minutes of quiet reflection and asking in my heart, especially if it’s a big mistake in my life that I’m having some reluctance looking at directly.

When you receive an insight, and that insight doesn’t have any tinge of shame, or wrongdoing, or that “just have to suck it up and fix it” energy, then you know you’re complete. You’ll probably feel a relaxation and peacefulness come into your heart and being.

• Fix the mistake.

Follow through with the clean-up actions as soon as possible. This is the integrity that comes with love.

Your mistake had consequences in the world. You and people around you were affected by it. Do your best to make up for any miss-steps you made. Ask your heart, and ask the people involved, what will help to make things whole again?

My client followed these three steps and found that the hardest thing was simply finding the humility to apologize for his past behavior, which was much easier than continuing that painful cycle.

After this insight, my client felt an increased depth of love and trust in relationship with his employees, and his delegating skills grew in leaps and bounds.

When you do all three steps to resolve a mistake, the Sufi teacher I quoted above calls it “consuming the essence of the mistake.” Once the essence of the mistake is consumed, you may have a healing in your heart that keeps these kinds of mistakes from happening again.

An achievement that will definitely help your business bloom.

Resource: If you want to look at this process in more detail, you can get my workbook, Cleaning Up Mistakes in Business, which is available to anyone who completes the Remembrance Challenge.

This is a bit of a radical approach to mistakes–the idea that maybe they don’t need to be fixed, at least in the way one often thinks about “fixing” mistakes. And yet, you don’t ignore them either.

Does this resonate for you? What’s your experience with unfixable, or repetitive mistakes?

This is not about collapsing and begging to be forgiven because you messed up. This is about asking deep in your heart to see something that you haven’t seen yet, and to know that you don’t have to be perfect in order to earn love.

p.s. Are you making mistakes with money over and over?

Giving away your precious time. Under-charging and under-earning. Earn more, spend more. The credit card bills keep growing. Making decisions in the spur of the moment, and feeling upset afterwards at the money you spent for one more useless thing.

These are the common mistakes business owners make every day. Again and again and again. If just knowing what to do would change things, the problem would be gone.

Sometimes you need a healing. Sometimes you need a real transformation. May I suggest the Heart of Money Transformational Journey Home Study?

This is a course that sold out 20+ times for $1500/person. We’re currently running a course for 1/4 that cost — 80 spots sold out. What’s more, the breakthroughs we’re hearing about are incredible.

Finally, after more than eight years, the Heart of Money Transformational Journey course is being turned into a home study course. We’re aiming for an August 17 release/ship date. Right now through July 31st we’re offering a pre-release price.

Check it out for yourself:  The Heart of Money Transformational Journey.

Trust your heart. And if you have any questions, please ask. Just do it by July 31st, or you’ll miss the pre-release price.

The $155 Mistake

Kate and I were putting the finishing touches on the Heart of Money Homestudy promotion by doing the Right Price exercise. That’s where we use our hearts to land on what I call the “resonant” price for something.

We ended up great on the Homestudy price for AFTER the release: $350. That felt great. But, we totally messed up, big car wreck, on the pre-release price.

I knew it had to be at least $100 off. But, I don’t know why, because of fatigue, because this crud was coming on that currently has me hacking and coughing, we posted a pre-release price of $275.

All day yesterday I couldn’t settle down. The price just didn’t feel right to me, and yet, what with getting sick and all, I couldn’t figure it out until Kate and I spoke in the late afternoon.

We did a “quick-flash” right price exercise on the pre-release price, and whew… we both took a huge sigh of relief.

Much lower. It just feels better.

Instead of $75, the pre-release price is $155 off the regular price. You can check it out here: The Heart of Money Homestudy

If you are struggling with your finances, if you want to hide under the covers when the credit card bill shows up, if you wonder if your money situation can ever change…

And, if you feel like you’re running nonstop and can’t outearn the problem- the more that comes in, the more you seem to spend…

(The Sacred Rules of Copywriting say to insert testimonials here. And, truly, we’ve gotten some very moving reports of breakthroughs from the eighty people in the current course. But, hey, I’m sick. Can’t do it. Maybe later…)

May I suggest the deeply spiritual, the deeply nourishing, the very practical:

Heart of Money Transformational Journey Homestudy

The Second Mistake: Half-Off Our Five Day Retreat

Too many balls in the air. We didn’t check the calendar. I hate doing this. But we’d also set July 31st as the early-early-bird deadline for the Path to Profitability Retreat.

There’s only room for about two dozen people at the Path to Profitability Retreat in November. And, seriously, I don’t expect anyone who doesn’t really know and trust who we are to want to commit to a five-day retreat in a beautiful retreat center, with organic meals…

To spend five days in a spiritual container working on the five big mostly ignored elements that help your business go into momentum. Momentum. You know, like, the business moves on its on and you don’t have to keep pushing it?

Well, we’ve been offering half-off the retreat to folks who know they want to be there. Again, the early registrations help our inspiration, so it’s worth it to us to offer it.

So, also through July 31st- half off the Path to Profitability Retreat.

Your Two Choices before July 31st

The Heart of Money Homestudy- pre-release price
The Path to Profitability Retreat early-early registration price.

Heck, maybe it’s in your heart to do both.

Trust your heart. And if you have any questions, please ask.

peace
Mark

Getting Paid . . . Eventually . . . After Having to Ask . . .

Mark and I have a few things in common like writing, short hair, biking, and having a paper route as kids. What we don’t have in common is the way we get paid.

The Dreaded Door to Door Experience

In 1970 (I was nine years old) there weren’t many girls with paper routes, but it didn’t stop me from loading up those canvas shoulder bags and heading out on my blue Schwinn, souped-up with a  banana seat and high handle bars. I loved the challenge of pedaling, steering, and flinging the paper with just the right spin and velocity to hit the front porch.

Although it was having to throw papers at 6 a.m. on Christmas morning that ultimately ended my news career, having to go door to door each month asking for money was what seriously took the thrill out of my first job. After knocking, I’d pray that no one would answer the door. When they did, it took great will for me to put one word sensibly in front of the other or to even make eye contact.

(For the record, the biggest protest I could muster against the injustice of having to throw papers on Christmas morning was to do it with my pajamas on.)

As you might suspect, I’ve battled some with shyness and self-esteem over the years. And without catching me in a particularly intimate or vulnerable moment these days, you might never guess at my painfully timid past.

My Paycheck?

Since the paper route, I’ve been handed checks, mailed checks, had them dropped in in-boxes, directly bank deposited, and given trade. I’ve been paid by the hour, on salary, and by the job. I’ve received raises, bonuses, and tips. I’ve contracted, invoiced, billed, and filed patient insurance claims . . .

At Heart of Business, for a whole host of reasons including the pulls of adoption and business growing pains, I’ve found myself back at that door collecting. My words come out clearly now, and I can usually make solid eye contact, but that solar-plexus grip and adrenalin spirt thing hangs on in perpetuity.

It’s the 5th and I’m thinking, “Oh, I don’t want to have to ask for my paycheck again. Please, please remember this time.” On this particular morning, Mark says at the end of a meeting, “Oh yeah and I don’t want to forget to give you your check before you go today.”

Relief. “Thanks”

We’re wrapping up at the end of the day, I’m standing in the door of Mark’s office with my coat on talking about a few last things. “Paycheck, paycheck, paycheck,” I try to send it to his mind telepathically. Nothing.

“Hey Mark, could you write out my check?” My voice catches a little, but I doubt he notices.

“Oh my God,” his hand flies to his forehead. “I can’t believe I forgot, I’m soo sorry.”

“It’s OK.” The good girl in me chuckles at the same time as I have an empathic body flush from Mark’s embarrassment. Crazy how many people’s feelings can merge in me at the same time.

Other times I’ve just waited and received my checks several days late for one good reason or another.

When All You Can Do Is Laugh

Then came the babies–a month early. In 24 hours Mark and Holly were on a plane to Ohio. It was the day after the meeting where we firmly committed to preparing for when they would be leaving for Ohio . . . in a month or six weeks. Hah! Oh, how not in charge we are of our fate.

At the beginning of December, Mark is out of checks. I send him checks realizing that again there’s no way I’ll see my 5th of the month check on time. Around the 8th Mark let’s me know that he sent my check, and I’m grateful, hoping it will get here in time to pay my half of the mortgage on the 10th or so. The check doesn’t come and doesn’t come.

Mark, exasperated, offers to send it to my PayPal account. I remember that PayPal takes money out, which adds to my frustration, which then trips over into my “that’s petty” voice (they’ve included a bonus that would absorb the cost), which trips over to my “wait a minute, why should I be penalized here?” victim voice. And around it goes. The money is transferred only for me to send it to a bank account that fails its confirmation test.

The money still hasn’t successfully transferred into my bank account. The good news: the check Mark sent on the 8th finally showed up on the 16th. I’ll be able to deposit it tomorrow–the next payday.

Give Yourself Slack and a System

You’re probably used to feast or famine, taking a draw as you can with no set date for writing that check. And I suspect most checks you write in a month are connected to invoices or they’re automatic.

Find a system to tickle your brain, or don’t hesitate to engage your employee in finding the best solution for your situation. Although you now have someone relying on you and your business to support them as they are supporting you, solopreneur to small business requires some flexibility on everyone’s part.

Here are some things to consider that will smooth out the transition:

• Talk with your employee about their financial obligations so that they’re real for you. You don’t have to remember the details, but let the conversation lead you to feeling empathy. That’s always a genuine motivator. Until this last pay check lost in the mail debacle, Mark didn’t know that my mortgage was due on the 15th. His is due on the first.

• If your employee gets paid the same amount each month, consider prewriting the checks and setting a payment alarm on your calendar. If you pay them on the 5th and 20th, write the paycheck for the 20th on the 5th, so your always a paycheck ahead.

• If you really want to make it easy for you and your employee and they’re are interested, talk to your accountant about setting up direct deposit. Remember, you would still need to give your employee their pay stub.

While you’re remembering to cut your employee’s check, cut yourself some slack. Conversations that expose your inexperience can be tough, but they will only deepen you and your employee’s trust and confidence in each other. It’s a learning process, and like the hiring process, don’t be afraid to be vulnerable with your employee, to make mistakes and find solutions.

It was an expensive, painful, enlightening, and incredibly educational journey. My wife and I learned tons about ourselves, about the true needs of the business, about how to hire, and how to be employers. Mostly because the first two hires didn’t work out. Which was expensive and painful. But worth it.

Now we have Kate Williams. Kate is our Infrastructure Queen. She has been an entrepreneur for-evah! She was the co-owner and manager of a holistic medical clinic, she was hired entry level at the National College of Natural Medicine and quickly rose to a director’s position, turning the school bookstore around and quadrupling it. Then she went out on her own as a freelance writer and editor.

Which is where she found us. She was a client of ours for months, before she responded to our ad.

We hired her, and she’s been working diligently within HoB, helping us tune up, and put in place, all kinds of systems and support so that we can sustain growth and development beyond the natural limits that Holly and I had reached in terms of our ability to just get things done.

Here’s the Insider’s View

Kate is adding her voice to this blog, and she’s going to blog about her experience coming into a business that already has momentum and a foundation, as compared to trying to get her own business up and running. She’s going to talk about what works, what doesn’t, insights and lessons learned.

And, she’s probably going to embarrass the crumb out of me, because she’s going to say pretty much whatever she wants. And there are wonderful things about HoB, and there are things that are messy and don’t work according to plan behind the curtain here.

In these times, rough economy, business in turmoil, I think it’s important for you to know the truth- that business is messy, mistakes are made, and that just because I, you, or anyone has accomplished something, it doesn’t mean I, you or anyone has all the answers.

But Kate just might. So watch for her posts.

Posts In This Series

Impressions: Finding That Right First Employee

Getting Paid . . . Eventually . . . After Having to Ask

Good Employees are Independent, and Good Employers Show Up

Wrestling to Anchor Our Infrastructure

Operating By the Books; It Does a Business Good

Don’t Forget to Tend to Your Personal Infrastructure

Remember to Include Time Into the Equation

Taking Advantage of Different Work Styles

Here’s the set-up: we’ve been working hard for a long time, culminating with running the Path to Profitability Retreat as well as diving headlong into our adoption process whereby twins are arriving Very Soon Now. So, naturally, Holly and I decided to go to the beach for the week following the Retreat, for what is likely to be the last just-the-two-of-us vacation for some years to come.

We rented a house in our favorite sleepy Oregon coast town, Manzanita, from a vacation rental company we’ve used before. We chose the house online, and then spoke to one of their agents, who convinced us to take this house over another, saying how much nicer it was. We also asked really specifically about how old the construction was, because new construction offgases something miserable, and Holly gets sick from environmental toxins. (Well, we all do, but she gets really sick.)

We finished the Retreat Tuesday mid-day, and arrived at the beach that evening, exhausted, happy, ready to loll around.

The long and the short of it was that: the house made Holly sick, which took a full day, two nights, to figure out, because we couldn’t distinguish “toxic sick” from “just plain tired” until then. And, the first morning, bright and early, a whole construction crew showed up and started building a house one door over from us.

Sick wife. House FILLED with construction noise- impossible to rest, relax, or nap without earplugs.

The rental company would do nothing for us. Nothing. They didn’t know how to give empathy to us for our situation- they just looked down at the floor and refused to meet our eyes when I walked in with my upset. And despite giving a tremendous amount of NVC empathy to the owner whom I eventually spoke to, she remained completely inflexible and unwilling to try to fix anything. She said her hands were tied, that the the owner of the rental house already had our money, and she couldn’t do anything.

Well, we moved out, and rented a very lovely place several blocks closer to the beach that overlooked the ocean and had a wonderful time the rest of the week. Although whenever I thought of the rental company I felt angry, because my needs for care, empathy, and responsibility weren’t met. I was thinking: “They took our money!”

For some moments (before I could return to my heart) I was filled with such anger and helplessness that they took our money, and weren’t even willing to empathize with us. I get that she was scared and didn’t have the communication tools, but hey, I can’t imagine this is the first time they’ve dealt with a customer upset.

They chose to create inflexible policies, refuse to budge, and to stonewall customer complaints: “Our hands are tied.”

And here’s the kicker.

When we got home from our lovely vacation, there was a phone message from the rental company, saying they had called the rental home owner, and they had agreed to refund us the nights we didn’t stay there, and they were sending us a check.

And then she said: “And I doubt if we have any homes that would meet your needs in the future.” Basically, she was telling us to go away and never come back. And we won’t.

The Customer Service Lesson

Can you imagine a different way she could’ve handled this? Wow, if she had taken just a few minutes to empathize with me: “Wow! That sucks! Construction right next to the house, and your wife is sick… I’m so sorry to hear that! ugh. Well, we have these policies, and because the home owner has your money already, I’m not sure if we can do anything, but let me see what we can do.”

Then, she could’ve had the same conversation with the homeowner, and refunded the same money she did anyway. And since we’ve successfully stayed in one of their company’s homes before, we know they have homes that are safe for us, toxic-wise.

And instead of pissing us off, and losing a repeat customer, she could’ve had a customer for life. I mean, we’re having twins, and we have friends with kids, and we’ve talked about going to the beach as a group, and renting a house.

But not from them, not now. There are other options.

The Take-Away For You

Don’t be afraid of client complaints. People just want empathy, even the angriest, most upset, most scary clients. And, you know if they complain loudly enough, or get upset enough you’ll refund them anyway. Give empathy, work with them, and the long-term relationship with that client will pay you back many, many times.

I think he’s got a brilliant point. Socialism for the big companies. Capitalism, or “sink or swim” for the small companies. He also raises an interesting point between financial experts versus designers.

Really, there’s a whole book in that article.

It raises a difficult question for us all: at what point do you decide to let something die? Let’s bring down to the level of your business. A lot of times we try something out. We put our best effort in, but we make a mistake. Or ignore our guidance. Or do something else that leads us down a dead end.

When do you give up completely?

Let me give you an example that holds a lot of personal embarrassment for me.

Back in the mid-1990’s I got involved with a network marketing company. I invested thousands of dollars, I went into deep credit card debt, I worked and worked and worked at it for two full years.

There was some success. And a lot of failure. At the end of two years, I had a confrontation with my wife Holly (one in a long series of arguments about it), and suddenly I just had a change of heart. I realized it was over.

I walked away from the business, dragging my credit card statements, broken relationships, and bruised ego with me.

It took me months to re-orient myself, to get my head screwed back on. I went through a lot of soul-searching and struggle. Eventually I came out of it, but it took years to clear the credit card debt.

But, there was that moment when I was willing to let all of my hard work and effort crumble to dust. To just let it go.

When do you let it go? When do you quit?

In all, we spent about $10K, between the three computers, the software (Adobe Suite, ouch!),  So, just yesterday, we received this Thank You card:

Now it’s not that I’m complaining about a Thank You card. I appreciated the thought, and I also liked the store. They gave us a good deal, cutting prices where they had control, and even throwing in things like stylish laptop bags.

Unfortunately, the Thank You card kinda took away the glow of the experience. Notice that little bit highlighted in yellow? What do you think about that?

A Discount is Not A Thank You

Here’s my opinion: giving a discount on your next purchase is not a thank you gift. If I have to spend more money, it’s a marketing strategy, not a sincere gift that leaves me feeling all gushy-warm about who you are and what you’re doing.

We refinanced our home a few years back, and when we were done, the broker delivered to us a basket, with some very yuppie crackers and olive spread, and I don’t know what else. Oh, and a $20 Starbucks gift card.

That is a thank you gift, that leaves me feeling great about the broker, reinforces how well we felt taken care of, and a willingness to refer other people to her.

Now, I’m not expecting the computer store to spend their entire profit buying a Thank You gift for me. But, I can think of a thousand thank you gifts they could’ve sent that would’ve left me feeling warm and gushy inside.

Can you? What are some of the best thank you gifts you’ve received?

They all get scared. Gut-clenching scared. Scared witless. (And me, too.)

If you’re going to be a business owner, especially in the early years of the start-up phase, then fear is going to be your friend.

You hear all these buzz phrases about fear, such as ‘Well, you know, fear stands for False Experience Appearing Real. So, just overcome your fear! Come’on!’

Baloney. Tell that to me when my mortgage is due in three days, and the money coming in is half what I need it to be. Who wouldn’t be scared?

Anyone who is building a small business gets scared. It’s normal.

Scared about the money. Scared about whether anyone likes what you’re offering. Scared about whether you are doing the right thing. Just plain nervous, anxious, and frightened.

So, if it’s so common, how come it’s so hard to deal with it?

Well, the main thing about fear isn’t that it’s hard to deal with. It’s that it’s so hard NOT to deal with it. Avoiding fear is hard. ‘Overcoming’ fear is a herculean task. But it’s easy to just be scared.

You are allowed to be scared. There is no one else who isn’t scared at times. Give yourself time to be afraid (and it doesn’t always have to wake you up at 3am in the morning because you didn’t let yourself be scared during your work day.)

When scared, say to yourself: “This is normal. It’s okay. I’m allowed to be scared.”

What is fear? Did you ever have a friend, or a parent, or a spouse who, when you were about to rush out the door to an important event, grabbed you and said, ‘Hold it, don’t forget your lunch, and your ticket to get in!’

Fear is that friend.

Fear in business doesn’t come up because you did something wrong, you’re doomed, or you look funny. Fear comes up because you’re not seeing some gorgeous, valuable and much-needed jewel right where you’re standing, and it will absolutely not let you go out that door without it.

Maybe, just maybe, instead of trying to ‘overcome’ your fear, you should listen to it?

But, there is a trick to listening to fear, without which you won’t find what’s right in front of your face. Want to learn the trick, and read an example of how it works?

Keys to Hearing Your Fear

• Notice the physical sensation of fear- and revel in it.

Fear has physical sensations- what are they for you? In other words, how do you know you’re afraid? For me, my low belly has a hollow-dropped-out feeling. Then, my reaction to the hollowness is to clench my shoulders, my chest, and my jaw so I stop breathing as deeply- it keeps me from feeling the hollowness.

If I slowly relax the clenching, and focus in on the hollow feeling I notice, hey, it’s just a hollow feeling. I let myself get intimate with it- really feel that hollow feeling, get comfortable and familiar with it. Breath into it. Already you should start to feel more spacious and calm.

• What’s the story the fear is telling, and what is the core of truth in it?

Your fear is talking to you. It’s often saying things like, “You can’t do this.” “You shouldn’t be doing this.” “It will never work.” Things like that.

The funny thing is, most of the time these phrases are TRUE- but incomplete. For instance, “You can’t do this… alone.” Or, “You shouldn’t be doing this… right now.” Or, “It will never work… if you don’t rest.”

A warning signal brings through an important message for you, but then you clamp down from the fear, and miss the most critical and helpful part of the message. Bummer. But, it’s never too late to get the rest of the message.

How can you access this message? Once you settle into the physical part of the fear, accept the message you are hearing, “You can’t do this…” as true, and then ask in your heart, with a willingness to be surprised, for the rest of the message. It may take awhile, so be patient.

• My example: “You shouldn’t be here.”

It was one of my first times co-teaching with Dr. John Wadude Laird, someone who has been a spiritual teacher of mine for years. Fear was telling me ‘You shouldn’t be here,’ and I was feeling small, awkward, and out of place. Scared witless, actually. I spoke up in the class to deliver a point, and immediately felt worse- the fear shot way up.

After class Wadude (it’s a spiritual name that means ‘The Loving’… I could’ve taken the hint, eh?) came up to me and said: “I need to talk to you, after I talk to this person.” My fear jumped another ten notches. I wasn’t imagining it- he was going to blast me! I went to the bathroom, washed, and came back, steeling myself for the firing squad.

Here’s what he said:

“Mark- it was a hard decision to hire you for this position, because other people had been around longer. But, after teaching with you, I absolutely know deep in my heart that we made the right choice.”

Stunned, I thanked him, and walked away. What happened? I went through the two steps above, it took me about 30 minutes, but I eventually heard the whole message: “You shouldn’t be here, in this psychological place of doubting yourself, because you are trusted and loved, and you are in the right position.”

So, what message about your business has your friend Fear been shouting herself hoarse trying to get through to you?