One of the members of our online heart-centered business community, started a conversation about the drain that helping other people has on her. “I’m just a girl who can’t say no,” she told us.
Electric response! It seems many people have this same issue. Of course we do.
We want to help. We want to be liked. We want to be useful. And, we’re all so used to coping with our own problems, that it seems a small thing to just suppress our own needs a little longer to help out another human.
The ticking time bomb.
Well, I’m assuming that you’re like me, and that years of suppressing needs has coiled the spring tighter and tighter. Suddenly, it seems as if life is just living from one time-bomb to the next, always ready to explode into overwhelm.
And still, still, still we don’t say “No” when we need to. We get sick, we collapse, we hide, rather than saying “No.”
Okay, it’s not always that bad. But… sometimes it is.
Besides, isn’t “No” a spiritual no-no?
Isn’t everyone always telling you to say “Yes” and accept what the Divine brings you? Aren’t we supposed to be of service? Isn’t selfishness a sin?
Well, yeah, kinda. But, not ‘zackly.
The spiritual basis for “No.”
In Sufism, the central belief is “There is no god other than Source.” Oneness. Unity. In Arabic, the core recitation is this: “La ilaha il Allah.” Literal translation: “NO there is nothing worthy of worship except the One.”
The central belief begins with a big “No” to illusion. And saying “No” to illusion is what makes it possible to say Yes to the deepest Truth.
Okay, now that we’ve got that out of the way.
It seems to be fine with the Divine if you say “No.” But, that doesn’t make it easy-peasy, does it?
As a human being, you are not a light switch. You don’t go from “On” to “Off” easily. If you aren’t yet feeling clear and centered about your “No,” then there is a first step:
“Can I get back to you on that?”
That one simple question can save you, whether it gives you five minutes of breathing space, or you respond a week later. Now you can take the time to get clear in your own heart, and, as importantly, to find a strategy to follow that clarity.
So how do you get that clarity in your heart? There are three questions I use to determine whether I have a “Yes” or a “No” to a request for help. Stay with me now…
Keys to Saying No
Ask the following three questions in your heart.
• #1 – Does this person need help?
Sometimes we look at someone and assume that they need help, even if they haven’t asked for it. Remember: overcoming adversity is a rich source of growth and development for each of us.
Next time you see someone who -looks- like they need help, take a moment in your heart to ask, “Does this person really need help?”
Example: I see clients in my class struggling to create an effective marketing message, but they haven’t yet asked me directly for help. By waiting a few days before giving feedback, I watch as one person after another achieves a breakthrough on their own, and helps a classmate in the process.
It took supreme self-control not to step in for two days, but, the break-through and the confidence gained was far more powerful than if I had just handed them my answer.
• #2 – Do I have a role to play in providing this person help?
So, you’ve gotten a “Yes” to the first question- this person does need help. But, do they need -your- help?
My experience is that the Divine is caring for everyone in different miraculous ways. But, I’ve also experienced that I’m not always the channel for that help, even when someone is right in front of me.
Take some time to feel with real authenticity whether your heart has a role to play in providing the help that the Divine is sending to this person. Let yourself be willing to be surprised.
Example: I ran an email list for a local organization for four years, but my heart started to feel heavy with it. After asking repeatedly for someone to replace me, I finally announced that I just wasn’t going to run the email list any more. And no emails went out for a few months.
Into that void a new person finally emerged. For that to happen I had to let go of two beliefs: that I was the only one who could help, and that the organization couldn’t survive if the newsletter was on hiatus. It took humilty on my part to let go, but now everyone is happier, and the email newsletter has taken on a new life.
• #3 – What is my role in providing help?
Okay, so you’ve gotten a “Yes” to the first two questions, they need help, and you have a role to play. Prepare yourself for humility yet again, because you may not need to give 150%.
If you’re used to always helping, you may not be sensitized to how much a little help can go a long way, or that help that feels easy for you to give can have a huge impact on the one you’re helping.
Example: A friend is struggling with their business, and I get that I can help. At first I think about giving free sessions, but that doesn’t feel right. So I ask my heart the question: what is my role?
The answer: I can be an occasional advisor and cheerleader without taking on the role of healer/coach. Ahhh… it’s a smaller commitment than I thought, which feels much better.
Often when we talk about saying ‘No’ we are thinking in terms of absolutes.
Instead, if you take the time to ask these three questions, you get a more creative answer than ‘Yes’ or ‘No.’ An answer that feels more honest, more nourishing, and easier to deliver than you could believe.
How do you say ‘no’ when you need to?
