As you read this, I’m in the middle of a spiritual retreat with my Sufi teachers, Tuesday through Thursday this week. I had the opportunity to spring up and I, as they say, grabbed it with both hands. Even though it’s in the middle of the week. Even though my plate was super full.
Sometimes, maybe even often, you have to prioritize connection and depth over the to-do list. So if I don’t reply to your comments immediately, that’s where I am.
Which is a great segue into today’s topic…
One of the tricky places it’s easy to get stuck is when you go through the extremely vulnerable step of reaching out to someone new. Maybe you’re hoping they will be a referral source or some other opportunity. So you get the email written and reach out.
And crickets. A day goes by. Two. Three. Maybe a week. They don’t respond.
Does this mean they don’t want to work with you? That they were offended?
Here’s a super short video, less than 3 minutes, to discuss just this question which a client asked me recently.
What’s your experience? What do you do when you don’t hear back?
With love,
Mark Silver, M.Div.
Heart of Business, Inc.
Every act of business can be an act of love.
p.s.
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18 Responses
Hi Mark,
I love this topic. Years ago, I learned a phrase from Robert Middleton that I use all the time with myself and with staff members for just this situation: “Friendly persistence.” I try to assume that it’s not about me or whatever I’m contacting them about and just send out another email or make a phone call and leave a voicemail. 90% of the time there is a connection, eventually, if I am just friendly and persistent and assume that their intentions and mine are all good.
That’s very helpful feedback Beth. Thank You 😀
Beth- so, so true. And Robert Middleton is such a gift- I learned from him so deeply so many years ago.
Ah, yes, email – so fraught! I find there are several subcategories of email non-responsiveness, in addition to the one you mention (people are overwhelmed and sometimes emails get lost). A few more:
– The person who really doesn’t communicate that way. I am finding this more and more, especially with younger colleagues who mostly text or even FB message. I don’t like texting or messaging, but for some people, if I really want to connect, I am going to have to use that approach.
– In a similar category to the one you mentioned, none of us really can get to all of our emails. And so, there are ones we just…don’t…ever…get to. And won’t. I prefer responding to all emails, even if it’s with a “Thanks for the email. Hope you are well. I’m afraid I don’t have time for that right now.” But the reality is that sometimes, we don’t respond, and that’s actually our response.
– Finally, I have some colleagues who simply are terrible communicators, and don’t seem to understand the need for professional communications practices (which is to aim for two business days in business interactions). They need constant pursuit, which is hugely annoying, but I’m not changing them, and if the relationship or task is important enough for me, I’m going to have to take the lead.
Just wanted to add to your encouraging thought that our recipients are wanting to get back to us but perhaps have lost our communication in the overwhelm. And, when following up, it’s always a good idea to presuppose good intent, that perhaps they missed the email or didn’t get it, and hope they are okay.
Ah, email, a blessing and a curse! – Leslie
Leslie- those other categories- so true! Thank you for adding to this with such wisdom. Assuming good intentions gets us so much further than not…
Hi Mark,
Very thought-provoking, thank you!
My thoughts about receiving emails…
My ‘base income’ job is about writing/words – lecture note-taking for disabled university students.
By the end of the day the last thing I want to do (and I’m incapable of) is dealing with more words/ answering emails, more connection.
So I quickly scan my email inbox and answer any urgent ‘must replies’. I’ll scan my other emails and leave my reply for a couple of days or even a week – in the meantime I sit with it as I go about my day, getting a solid sense of how I want to respond.
I always let my email sender know that I take a little while to get back to them, and why.
I like texts. They’re visually framed in a small space with few words. It feels spacious and I don’t feel cluttered with information. There is automatic permission to be brief. I can convey warmth with my text. But texts feel more personal and I don’t want that personal connection with a professional offer or conversation.
Emails have their place. Text messages have their place. Something for everyone.
Not taking ‘no reply yet’ it as a personal rejection.
Blessings
Rebecca
Rebecca- it’s so very true that different channels work for different intentions. I personally don’t like have so many incoming channels to manage but, as Leslie Nipps wrote in another comment, it’s just how things are. Although it’s true I don’t give out my cell phone for business contacts.
This is so true. It’s taken me months to get back to people who I wanted to get back to. Amen. I am often overwhelmed with email. When people follow up as you described I’m grateful. One fellow who had been introduced to me by a colleague had emailed me but I was one the road and it was too much to get back to him. And then I was home and didn’t get to it and then back on the road. Then I got this email that I read as teasing, presumptive and passive aggressive. It did not feel good at all.
“When I know you better I’m going to bully you into multitasking… as in doing stuff even when you’re out of town. : )”
I replied, “I’d ask you to not do that or suggest that you would. We’ll get to things in the proper time.”
He replied, “It was a joke. Light banter. Hence the smiley face at the end.”
I replied, “i know. and I take my time getting to know people and it’s important for me that when someone pushes a bit, even in jest, that I clarify where I stand. I find sometimes things begin as jokes but contain truth in them and, if I don’t speak to it then, it comes up later in a harder to deal with form. the joke spoke to some sort of impatience and I wanted to clarify where I stood as the joke didn’t land well with me. i trust that in time we’ll find our way to see what sort of a fit there might be here.”
All this to say, I am busy. Very busy. I often feel guilty for not getting back to people, sometimes dear friends, as quickly as I would like to. When I sense that people understand my overwhelm, I am so grateful. When they demand to be made an exception to it, and clearly don’t get it, I step back from them.
I had never met this fellow.
Tad! And I’m touched that you took the time to post here. I really appreciate how straight-forward you are. Sometimes jokes/banter aren’t really that at all, but someone not being clear about their emotions, as you write. It’s a complicated world we’ve created, and I honor anyone who honors themselves and the timing they need to care for the communications that come in.
Thanks, Mark, I really liked what you had to say about not receiving a response right away (if at all). When I don’t hear back from someone via e-mail (or voicemail too), I often start to think that I am not important, that I don’t have much to offer that person, or that I’m just annoying them and they have more important things to do than respond to my questions. This is especially evident when I’ve e-mailed a supervisor or mentor (work related or not) and don’t hear anything back or get very short, seemingly “cold” responses.
I like the idea of “friendly persistence” that Beth mentioned above too, it’s a good reminder not to take things so personally. Thanks!
Ryan- so glad it landed! I love the idea of friendly persistence- and glad it resonated with you, too. I want you and everyone else to fly, and make the connections needed, and not give up too soon…
Hi Mark,
I am currently in talks with 2 prospective students who wanted to start one on one coaching but then they started ignoring my emails…
Persistence and Friendly nudges go a long way…
I usually follow-up 7 times before I let go of any lead…
It has served me well
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